Update 5/8/09 10:08AM - 2009 DRAUGHT COMPLETE!

It's time folks. The Anything Mock Draught is just what you might expect... a satirical draft mocking mock drafts. Our "league" happens to be drinking related items and topics.

The draft will go 3 rounds, and the order has been set. Check back often to view the results as they come in.

Round 1

1. Two Pints - Belgium

Belgian beer, whose origins date back to the middle ages, comprises the most stylistically diverse national collection of quality beer in the world. With over 450 standard varieties of beer coming out of Belgium, I'll have plenty of choices to go with those fries w/ mayo, or chocolates, or waffles...

About 100L of beer is consumed per Belgian per year! That is over 211 fair pint pours per year for those of you in Oregon.

2. J. R. Ewing - Oktoberfest

I also scouted Western Europe heavily. It's hard not to, with such ripe talent across all TheFerm categories. While Belgium is strong, my #1 prospect remained on the board. October has always been a favorite month of mine. It happens to contain my mother and wife's birthdays and my own anniversary. The Texas-OU game is always played in October, Halloween is one heck of a holiday. And who doesn't look good in lederhosen?. The weather begins to turn mild, and the beer is as good as it gets. Therefore, with the second pick in the inaugural TheFerm anything draft, J.R. Ewing selects...Oktoberfest.

3. SirRon - Charlie Papazian

Sometimes being "The Man" is a good thing. Charlie was the founder of the Association of Brewers and the American Homebrewers Association. Charlie also founded the Institute for Brewing Studies, Brewers Publications, the Great American Beer Festival, the World Beer Cup, and Zymurgy magazine. If you are a homebrewer, then you also are sure to have a copy of the homebrewing bible Charlie wrote, The Complete Joy of Homebrewing. Today, when he's not being the coolest homebrewer and beer drinker in the world, he is lending his time as the President of the Brewers Association of America.

But it is Charlie's motto that keeps me calm during hectic brew days... so I thank him most for that... "Relax, don't worry--have a homebrew!"

4. Mr. Smokey Pants - The Norris Family

We've had a place, an event, and a person...what's left but a thing. But naw, I'm not going there. Even though there are worthy candidates (The Whitis Cabin Beer Fridge, Norris Honeymoon Cigars, Chicken Wings, Michelob) and G$ kinda stole my category, I'm sticking with the #1 on my board. The only thing better than actual beer drinking: drinking buds. I considered Jerry Seinfeld, the Most Interesting Man in the World, Mark Twain, Matt Maloney, and Major Applewhite, but they all pale in comparison to The Norris Family. So peeps, I've taken a people, including their blood relatives (like the Whitis fam) and relatives by marriage (like the Arevalo fam). I get Greg (who'd take a bullet for me if we get in trouble), Amanda (who keeps us out of trouble), Mad P n' Ollie (for entertainment), Kyle (who I won't allow to take us to anymore aggie parties), Katy (and her impressive liver), Leslie (and her average tribond skeelz), Mike & Ruby (sophisticated wino travelers), Arnold and Rita Marie (who seriously know how to part-tay). They created the pick'em league, this blog, this Draught, and tasty homebrews. They introduced me to Guerras, BW3, NTN, Michelob, Iron Chef, Grolsch, etc. And they are the only reason I survived law school. I was going to just take G$, but that would be selfish...so I've taken his entire family! Ha ha!! You are all mine!!! When imbibing, the occasion is 80-90% of the time improved by drinking buds. So, in the Anything world of The Ferm, when I'm drinking and need drinking buds I'll always have my choice of The Norris Family. For example, if I'm trying to shark some intruders in our world at darts or pool, I'll definitely conjure up Mike. Or, if I run into some current or former Longhorns in our world and need inside knowledge, I can go to Teach, or her alumni-band cousins. But most of the time when I'm just knockin back a few, I need a gamer to hang with or some old skool raps to nod my head to...BOOM! I'll order up G$. And I'll never be lacking for good drinking conversations. Maybe I'll remember a few in that world...

5. K-Dub - Yeast

Yeasty joys.
Micro organic beastie boys.
They are a zymurgist’s toys.
Fermentation’s beauty.
Eating carbs are their duty.
Ethanol and CO2 they pooty.
Asexually reproductive.
Subjectively the reason to live.
Byproduct always seductive.
That's yeast y'all.

6. Leslie - Gary Vaynerchuk

He’s the host of Wine Library TV. He eats grass, licks rocks, and smells dirty socks all in the name of wine-love. That’s true love.

Round 2

7. Two Pints - Sam Calagione
I sure didn’t want to disappoint anyone, and I’m positive my pick of Sam Calagione of Dogfish Head will not come as a shock. Not only is Sam an incredible craft brewer, he represents craft beers with style and dignity. May the Beer Gods continue to bless Sam Calagione and his brewery so that we “off-centered people” have more craft brews to fill our tanks!

Ode to Sam

Liquid off-centered
The craft is strong with this one
Sexy Sam’s the man.

8. J. R. Ewing - Body Shots
Taking the draft a different direction and rounding out the categories over to "spirits". What high school prepster doesn't aspire to go to college for the sole purpose of sucking, licking, kissing various consumables off a willing co-ed? That's right, it's time for a little salt, followed by a tequila shot (preferably Jose Cuervo, although too often Pepe Lopez), then a wedge of lime or lemon. With the 8th pick in the inaugural TheFerm.org anything draught, J.R. Ewing selects...Body Shots. It's as American as Apple Pie, Beer Pong, and Elvis Presley. But in the case of Body Shots, you get an excuse to acquaint your lips with the anatomy of a nubile hottie.

9. SirRon - B Vitamins

Here's the skinny. When the body metabolizes alcohol, one molecule of ethanol produces 2 molecules of NADH. Elementary, right? Well, until it steals that vitamin B12 and uses it as a coenzyme. Drink a lot (i.e. metabolize a lot of ethanol) and you'll find yourself with a vitamin B12 deficiency. But pop a B-complex vitamin before, during, and after your session, and you could literally drink ALL. NIGHT. LONG........ and only have all the other side effects of drinking to worry about. After the draught, I'm taking B vitamins out for a little celebratory partying... whoo!

10. Mr. Smokey Pants - Mos Eisley Cantina

So I've got my drinking buds... where to now. Not Belgium, dammit. We need a bar. Not just any bar. We need the greatest bar in the universe. I had to travel the entire galaxy working out draught picks. That's gonna be one helluva expense report. But when I wandered into the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine, the decision was made. I hung with Han, kicked Luke in his female parts ("But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!"), high-fived Ben, played holographic board games with my bro Chewie, and blasted a couple nerf herders...half-witted, scruffy looking bastards. Then I chilled out to the freaky tunes of Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes.

This pick is a tribute nerds everywhere and one of my favorite subjects... flicks. It's also an homage to my LSMSA nickname. In closing, here's some beer haiku from far far away:

Pirate city bar.
No droids. No blasters. Greedo
gets his. Han shot first.
Arms out of sockets...
Wookies are known to do that.
Let the Wookie win.

11. K-Dub - Michael Jackson
(Not the one with the singing career)

Michael Jackson was best known for his writings on all things beer, but he was also an avid whiskey aficionado. In fact he has been the author of many books such as "The World Guide to Whiskey", "Great Beers of Belgium", "Ultimate Beer" and "Scotland and its Whiskies." Although this homes was a Brit, he has been quoted with saying, "...I would prefer to celebrate the most interesting of American beers, some of which have more flavour than anything made ." He was especially fond of Rogue Brewery in Newport, but then again, who isn't? Although it has never been confirmed, I'm pretty sure that SirRon and I saw Mr. Jackson at the GABF 2005.

Unfortunately for Planet Earth he passed away in August 2007, the man suffered from Parkinson's and diabetes, but his soul lives on in his writings and now in the Draught.

12. Leslie - Tailgating

There's nothing like the combination of college football, autumn air, and daytime drunkenness. Tailgating is the true fans' ode to their team, salute to the game, and celebration of everything culinary that can be transported in a cooler. It is my second round pick and quite possibly my favorite way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Round 3

13. Two Pints -
Randall the Enamel Animal
The Randall, a Dogfish Head invention, is described on their website as "an organoleptic hop transducer module. A three-foot-long, cylinder-filter packed with a half a pound of whole leaf hops that we affix to the beer line leaving a keg."

If you haven't already, you've just got to try it! SirRon and I have had the privilege of trying an "off centered" 90 Minute IPA that was filtered through the Randall at the Dogfish Rehoboth Beach brewpub. If you like hops, and oh boy do I like hops, this is the invention for you!

I am thrilled to choose the Randall the Enamel Animal as my final pick in the 2009 Mock Draught. TwoPints Out!!

14. J. R. Ewing -
The Alley on King of the Hill
Much like Mr. Smokey Pants, I'll be looking for a more regular place to drink November - September. With Mos off the board, need to look a little more local. Look no further than Arlen, TX. With the 14th overall pick in the Inaugural TheFerm.org Mock Draught, J.R. Ewing selects...the Alley on King of the Hill. With this pick, I acquire four permanent drinking buddies in Bill, Dale, Hank, and Boomhauer.

Upon hearing of his selection, Boomhauer had the following to say "I tell you what, man, you see the page where dang ol' SirRon & TwoPints come in there and he's talkin' 'bout bacon and she Sam and Mr. SmokeyPants comes poppin' in there, he always does that. Them Ferm boys, I tell you what...just a dang ol' good blog, man'. "

15. SirRon - Food Pairings
Which comes first, the drink or the food? Pairing a Cabernet Sauvignon with that mustard glazed lamb or a Stout with that salmon can take the eating experience from an "I'll just eat this until I get full" experience to something like Remy's magical fireworks scene in Ratatouille. Food pairing isn't an exact science, which is a good thing for those of us that like to experiment.

My fondest festival memories often tend to be the pairing sessions, whether it be GAFB, the Texas Craft Brewery Festival (someone please, *please* bring this back!), or the upcoming SAVOR event in Washington D.C. (which TwoPints and I will be attending this year). The outstanding pairings prepared by the Texas Culinary Academy at the Texas Craft Brewery Festival inspired me to host my own food and beer pairing (two sessions of consisting of four courses prepared by a variety of guests).

So here's the opening up the cellar and planning that next menu. And here's to finding that pairing that takes a funky and stinky piece of cheese and turns it into the greatest thing you have ever put in your mouth (hint: science is science.... it probably won't be a wine... but I'll sure as heck be around for some testing!).

16. Mr. Smokey Pants - Happy Hour

When you've conquered space, what’s next... I'll tell you what's next: TIME! Boom, drafted. Happy hour. It gets you through week. It helps you tolerate work. Everything is cheap. And everyone is looking to unwind. You might get some good sports and tasty bites. Best part about it, it's always five o'clock somewhere... in my pants!

17. K-Dub - Belgo-American Style Beers
Well if I can’t have Belgium, I’ll pick the next best thing, the entire style of Belgo-American Style Beers. That’s right, we’re talking Allagash Brewery, Lost Abbey, Russian River, Dogfish Head and New Belgium just to name a few. Sure, even some of the Big Three (Bud/Miller/Coors) have their crappy versions of these beers (Shock Top, Blue Moon, etc.) but they’ll have to wait on the bench while Damnation, Red & White and La Folie lay down some craft brewing smack.

18. Leslie
- Lone Star Puzzle Caps

Good beer is not hard to come by around here, but sometimes you just want a taste of home. Distribution laws keep most (decent) Texas beers out of the New York. I suppose the assumption was that no one really drinks Lonestar so they let it sneak through the system. Cheap and dirty beer -- yum. Of course, they charge about what it costs for a six pack for each bottle so I guess that leaves me with just dirty. The trick is to only drink Lonestar at this one BBQ restaurant in Chelsea that serves Blue Bell Ice Cream. It's a taste profile that only a displaced Texan could love. A bucket, a scoop, and a few puzzle caps -- home sweet home.

  1. Mr. Smokeypants April 28, 2009 at 5:21 PM  

    Freakin genius! Game changer. I'm proud to know you.

  2. SirRon April 28, 2009 at 6:35 PM  

    RE: Belgium going #1 in the draft. LOVE their beers, LOVE this pick. Belgium plays extremely well in space, has great hands, and is a prolific beermaker. I challenge anyone to find something with a higher grade on their board. A++

  3. J.R. Ewing April 28, 2009 at 6:46 PM  

    Belgium...BELGIUM???? They can't even hold a candle to half of Western Europe. You haven't lived until you've tried Luxembourg's Mousel. Oh wait, I now read Mousel was bought out by InBev. From Belgium. I have to agree...solid pick.

  4. SirRon April 28, 2009 at 7:51 PM  

    Based on the grade, are we to expect Mousel to Western Europe as the 2nd pick of the draught? I don't think that will get you to the playoffs. And speaking of... how deep would this draft have to go before InBev gets drafted. InBev is probably like the kid that gets picked last in dodgeball here at The Ferm.

  5. Belgium April 28, 2009 at 8:03 PM  

    I had a pretty decent feeling I was going #1, but at the same time, you are still nervous on draught day. To be able to work this deal out in such a short amount of time, you have to give a ton of credit to Two Pints and I’m just extremely happy that she had the confidence in me to choose me. I’m just truly blessed and excited.

    I actually haven’t been to theferm.org but I plan to visit soon.

  6. J.R. Ewing April 28, 2009 at 8:49 PM  

    Recommend adding some key words as we go along...I'm sure the Flemish will be impressed to know they were drafted #1, they just need a little hook to find it out!

  7. SirRon April 28, 2009 at 9:54 PM  

    The draught has opened with a place, an event, and a person. Good kick off for an anything draught IMO.

    Beer is dominating the top of the draught.

  8. SirRon April 29, 2009 at 8:54 AM  

    Whoa!!! Epic pick! I have to admit, this one took a while to sink in. I
    initially was like a Jet's fan at the NFL draft show. But after hearing the
    breakdown, you may have found the Dan Marino in this year's draught.
    Drinking buds. speechless.

  9. Leslie April 29, 2009 at 12:49 PM  

    Wait -- Was I under the age of 12 when said game of Tribond occurred? Because if that's the case, I take offense to the "average skeelz" reference and insist that there be a rematch.

  10. SirRon April 29, 2009 at 4:07 PM  

    RE: 5th pick: Yeast.

    Arg! I had yeast on my board, I was just hoping I could steal it in the later rounds.

  11. J.R. Ewing April 29, 2009 at 8:26 PM  

    Without Belgium, Oktoberfest, Charlie, the Norris Family, or Yeast, how is one supposed to drink/brew/enjoy beer? Solid 1st round, gonna have to dig deep to find some prospects in the 2nd.

  12. SirRon April 30, 2009 at 10:22 AM  

    RE: Round 1, Pick 6... If Twitter popularity is any indication, Gary V has 206 times the amount of followers that Charlie P has... wow!

  13. SirRon May 1, 2009 at 9:38 PM  

    RE: Round 1, Pick 8... hey! uhhh... welllll... now the website is PG-13... and i had to look up "nubile"

  14. J.R. Ewing May 1, 2009 at 10:10 PM  

    Re: SirRon, I hope you were careful in which links you might have selected after a blind search of "nubile".

    We've hit the halfway point of the draft, I'm thinking the level of predictability will deteriorate as we go on (I got a wildcard up my sleeve for my next one, and, no, there will be no nubiles).

  15. Mr. Smokeypants May 2, 2009 at 9:39 AM  

    Dave is leading the pack with his two awesomely creative, serious good-times draught picks. But we're only half-way through. I have to admit Bs were on my board, not next up necessarily...but I had to pull their placard off the magnetic chalk board.

  16. Mr. Smokeypants May 2, 2009 at 9:41 AM  

    Two Pints, when you have a minute...please pass the Chimay.

  17. SirRon May 3, 2009 at 9:33 AM  

    RE: Pick 10, Mos Eisley Cantina. Somewhere Chance McClain @ 1560 The Game is slapping his head. Mos Eisley Cantina beats the heck out of a disemboweled ton-ton... you know, if you are going with a nerdy-cool Star Wars pick.

  18. Mr. Smokeypants May 3, 2009 at 12:52 PM  

    I almost spit the bit on this pick twice...nearly typing in Chimay and then Tailgating...only to remember just in time that Two Pints and past 1560 Seinfeldian drafts have nabbed those great choices. Have to admit I was somewhat inspired by last night's Blue Light show's Stars Wars references. Props to Ky and the first eulogy of the draught. Well done. We definitely need some honorable dead guys in our alternate universe. I wasn't aware of MJ's legendary status until the wife introduced me to one of his bartending books that she'd acquired in college.

  19. Mr. Smokeypants May 3, 2009 at 5:08 PM  

    Leslie is not constrained by prior 1560 Seinfeldian drafts...or originality.

  20. Leslie May 3, 2009 at 7:50 PM  
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  21. Mr. Smokeypants May 3, 2009 at 10:13 PM  

    Can you hook up a Randall to the Norris horizontal multi-quarter-kegorator...

  22. Tailgating May 4, 2009 at 8:53 AM  

    As long as the seasons don't overlap, I intend to play for my selected team at 1560 The Game and The Ferm.

  23. Matt Maloney May 4, 2009 at 8:54 AM  

    What is wrong with getting paid by more than one team?

  24. J.R. Ewing May 4, 2009 at 7:26 PM  

    Re: Mos Eisley Cantina - Can't believe Mos Eisley slid down so far, good pick up at that spot.

    Re: Michael Jackson - teehee

    Re: Tailgating - (crosses off my list) tryout was strong, might have gone this way with pick #2 but for already having Octoberfest in the fold, needed to round out other areas.

    Re: Randall - can't say I had that anywhere on my board.

  25. Mr. Smokeypants May 4, 2009 at 11:00 PM  

    Jackpot! What a steal. He's building off my picks...combo hangout, buds, and enjoyable outside venue. Friggin great! I know it's too early to tell...but they way this thing is projecting, J.R. Ewing is going to be kicking our tails until the 2010 draught. I know you typically have to wait until year 3, in this case 2012, to fully evaluate a draught class. But I'm calling this fight early. We're all Hattons to Dave's Pacquiao. No reaches, all big ceilings. There's a frosty beverage at the Mos waiting for you, my friend.

  26. SirRon May 4, 2009 at 11:44 PM  

    One might say Dave's picks aren't so genteel... I might say that I wouldn't trade draughts. But that's why they play the game on the field, or something like that.

  27. Mr. Smokeypants May 5, 2009 at 1:20 PM  

    [Insert Flintstonian curse babble here.] Another placard bites the dust. G$ is single-handedly destroying my draught board. Great minds...If it weren't for that Charlie pick (who if memory serves, was a little creepy and/or douchey at GABF), SirRon might have shot down J.R. Re: SAVOR, very jealous. That is a must blog/twitter event. Hope the crowd and pee lines are not like GABF. My only consolation is that on May 29 one of my potential drinking buds, The Sein, is performing in town and the Firm has tix.

  28. Mos Eisley Cantina May 5, 2009 at 1:31 PM  

    We are now proudly serving Indpendence brews on draught. Half-price pints for members of The Ferm. As always, no droids allowed. And...No blasters! That means you, J.R. Keep it holstered, man.

  29. SirRon May 6, 2009 at 2:17 PM  

    It's OVER!!! Mr. Smokey Pants' last draught pick puts the nail in the coffin for the field. The most creative and innovative picks by far!

  30. Salt May 6, 2009 at 2:18 PM  

    I'll be there at five o'clock, Mr. Smokey's Pants.

  31. Mr. Smokeypants May 6, 2009 at 7:58 PM  

    Who am I to argue with the Commish...sorry J.R., I put in a gud wurd, but you're draught has been served. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, Oh NO!

  32. J.R. Ewing May 9, 2009 at 10:34 AM  

    I am quite pleased with the wide range of talent I acquired. I'm a little deficient in the actual drinks categories, but that will be addressed next year. I guess in the meantime, I'll hang out in the alley with Hank, drink shots off hot chicks, and take a trip to Germany this October. Life isn't bad!