The internet is a powerful and empowering thing. As a result of millions of people's contributions, each with individual passions, the web has become chock full of just about everything you ever wanted to know and ten times more stuff that you never wanted to know about. Like it or not, this is not just a product of the Google generation, even grannies are blogging these days. This is the Google era. It will be taught in grade school history books, and after their final takeover, future generations will be able to Bing and learn all about it.

My particular passion is beer. I am not saying that my greatest quality is somehow beer related or even that my talents exceed that of others who share similar passions, but discussing and partaking in its malty goodness is my escape from my regular world of Engineering or Fatherhood. It provides a medium in which I can both speak intelligently and provide content that others actually read and find interesting (I could only fulfill one of those terms in an Engineering blog... maybe).

Since the launch of TheFerm.org earlier this year, I have been able to successfully work my way into the Kolache Factory World Kolache Eating Championships, laid down an educational rap about the science of condensation, dared to claim AWOL status from the Saint Arnold Army, and even bring in thousands of hits with a list of the top fifteen beer bars in Houston, TX. Such success can go to one's head, so when I got the idea one day that the Houston Press might be interested in someone covering beer related topics around town I thought it was one of my greatest ideas since TheFerm's Anything Mock Draft. The Chronicle already had its guy in Ronnie Crocker, why could I not apply myself and become the RC for the HP?

After an unsolicited tweet and an email went unanswered, I resigned to the fact that I am an Engineer, and that ain't a bad day job. But then... this. Within days of my life-changing fantasy and subsequent giving up on my dreams, the Houston Press foodie blog "Eating Our Words" posted a job opening. Certainly it was meant to be. Maybe this section of the Houston Press just never noticed my previous inquiries. The instructions were simple enough:

To apply, send a cover letter, resume and examples of your writing to [email address removed]

Cover Letter. Check.
Examples of Writing. Check.
Resume. Hmm.

Assuming you do not lie on your resume, resumes do not lie. Your resume is your list of accomplishments, your curriculum vitae. I was faced with an interesting dilemma. Submit my actual resume, which shows I would be uniquely qualified to develop energy savings projects for a facility of the Houston Press' choice, or create some sort of resume showing my writing accomplishments, which I guess are either what I have left behind on the web or some gripping energy savings technical reports. My choice was to do what all of you are probably thinking as well: Skip the resume and go straight to the interview portion of the screening process.

While it may seem pompous to assume that the Houston Press would want to interview me just because I inquired about the job, I had an idea.

I will have the real life me interview my blogging alter ego. [Picture me nodding my head in that kind of blind self-congratulatory way right now.]

Below is a reproduction of the exact pretend interview I had with my blog writing alter ego.

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My Interview for "Eating Our Words"… with Myself

Day Job Greg = Norris
Writing Alter Ego = SirRon

Norris: What is your biggest regret, and why? Ha! Just kidding. This is not that kind of interview.

SirRon: Soooo... I took a look at your resume... pretty impressive, if you were looking to manage the maintenance department at the Houston Press facilities.

Norris: Thanks, I guess. I noticed that you don't have a resume. Tell me a little about your qualifications.

SirRon: I've had a few items published.

Norris: Wow. Really?

SirRon: Yes. Ever heard of the "National Written and Illustrated By" contest? I won that. Well, actually it was an honorable mention… in eighth grade. But the key word there is "National."

Norris: Oh.

SirRon: I also scooped up an English Student of the Year award that year from my junior high.

Norris: Yeah. Well. How about any writing accomplishments as an, um, adult?

SirRon: I sent a "deep thought" to Ruminate.com that got published online and distributed to their subscribers. Want to hear it? Hear it goes. "I always keep a smelly fish in my pocket in case someone ever walks up to me and says, 'I will give you a million dollars if you have a smelly fish in your pocket.' Who is the crazy one now?!"

Norris: Ok, got it. I think I understand your experience, but I'd like to ask some questions specific to this job opening. The Houston Press is looking for a foodie blogger.

SirRon: I'm a foodie... I'm a blogger... aaaannnnd I'm pretty sure there was not a question in there (good thing the Houston Press isn't looking for a reporter).

Norris: What I mean is that I understand your passion for food. I've seen all your RSS feeds of food blogs, the tweeps you follow, your Cooks Illustrated/America's Test Kitchen online subscription and TiVo season pass, and your outstanding gourmet-ish tailgates. But right there on the HP website, the appeal for a new writer states:

Are you a regular at those Houston "throw-downs" involving pork bellies and fried chickens?

SirRon: I would have to say no to that.

When a hot Houston restaurant has a special event, are you the first to sign up?

SirRon: Not exactly.

Do you go to Houston festivals and try one of everything from each booth?

SirRon: Yes!

Do you take pictures of every damn thing you put in your mouth?

SirRon: Ummmmmmm.

Norris: Focus!

Can you string together sentences in an entertaining fashion?

SirRon: Does a pig fly in the woods?

Norris: Huh?

SirRon: Anyway, I may excel in covering the minutiae of drinking topics, but I can write about food. Did you catch my "5 Reasons Why... Beaver's Ice House Changed My Life" post?

Norris: As a matter of fact I did.

SirRon: ...my coverage of the SAVOR experience in Washington D.C.?

Norris: Which was a beer festival...

SirRon: A craft beer AND food paring event, thank you very much. I covered all seven days (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) of Craft Beer Week this year.

Norris: Yeah, what was up with all that text before the beer reviews?

SirRon: Anecdotes are... eh, never mind. You don't really have something like that in your Engineering world I guess.

Norris: Back to my interview. Why writing?

SirRon: Someone around here has to be the yin to your yang. The Creative to your Project Manager. The fiction to your calculations of chilled water pump BTU. The right brain needs exercising every now and again.

Norris: What is your favorite thing about being a blog writer?

SirRon: Sharing my experiences... and the feedback.

Norris: Narcissistic much? I saw "Anonymous" doesn't think very highly of your "Top 15 Places to Get a Beer in Houston, TX" post.

SirRon: That piece was the feat of a whole lot of beer bar study. I gathered input from a lot of folks, but I forgot to get input from Anonymous before publishing.

Norris: Don't sweat it. Last question. Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball? Oops, wrong page. I mean, why do you want this job?

SirRon: Quite simply, to take my writing to the next level.

Norris: Cliché alert!

SirRon: I'm (we're? this bit is getting confusing) not ready to quit my day job, but writing for "Eating Our Words" would is the perfect convergence of all my passions: Food, drink, and writing.

Norris: SirRon, you are off the hot seat. Thank you for your time and good luck!

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Blogger's note: I have not talked to anyone, before or after, that thought the faux interview was a good idea. Ah well.

4/4/10 Update: Interested in reading about more failure? Be sure to check out Round 2 of my Houston Press misfortunes.

Last week, NBC and Anheuser-Busch made an historical announcement. For the first time in the 35-year history of SNL, the show would have a sole sponsor. The occasion would allow for Anheuser-Busch to promote it's new Bud Light Golden Wheat, while giving SNL the opportunity to bring viewers some never-before-aired clips as they celebrate their past.

To acknowledge this beer sponsored historical television event, TheFerm.org will offer its first review of a TV program, and I will provide this review in two words.

Banned List.

List>"Saturday Night Live">Delete now

I cannot really tell you much about the show, it was deleted from my TiVo unwatched.
The banned list is real.

Thank you.

It Made Me Drive Out to Washington Avenue

Houston is sprawled over some 600 square miles. I'm no suburbanite, but sometimes a trip from the Med Center to The Heights district feels like it requires a special occasion. Sure, this isn't fair to one of Houston's best hoods, but take a look at a map and see what other hot spots one passes through on that excursion (Museum district, Rice Village, Montrose, Midtown, etc.).

With the exception of spotting some of the chochy takeover of Washington Ave, I said to myself, "self, you need to get out here more often." Beaver's was worth the trip, and I'm better for making it.

The Name Is Kinda, umm, Suggestive

A potentially suggestive name does not a good restaurant make, but when a name goes from giving you something to look up on Citysearch.com to personifying the essence of the restaurant itself, then I'm fully on board.

The food, like the name, is unapologetic. It is the playground equivalent of a kid boasting, "What? Say Something!" It is the musical difference between Tenacious D and Nickleback. It is the film equivalent of Pulp Fiction as opposed to Regarding Henry. If Beaver's was a TV show, it would be Curb Your Enthusiasm and not Two and a Half Men. You get the idea.

The Drink Menu Is Not an Afterthought

Beaver's has a pretty full bar. In fact, the drink menu is probably good enough for them to function as a bar instead of a restaurant (although don't get me wrong, I'm not making any suggestions).

With self described "fantastically fun wines," "esoteric and unexpected brews," and "a signature cocktail menu of Front Porch drinks," if those walls could talk they would probably be full of pride (the building is a renovated ice house). If Beaver's had three or so more taps to go along with their already extensive bottled beer selection, I might consider coming for something other than lunch or dinner.

The Chef Tweeted Me Before My Visit

Big deal, right? Maybe a tweet wouldn't change my life if it was from a guy at Olive Garden while taking a break from cranking out breadsticks and never-ending pasta bowls, but this is Chef Jonathan Jones y'all... dude is a marquee chef (formerly working his culinary magic at Max's Wine Dive) with some serious skills!

Chef describes his food as "whimsical, culinary comedy." Do these dishes do anything for you? Fried oyster nachos, bacon ice cream, Pozole (Texas goat, lamb and Akaushi beef and hominy stewed with guajillo and ancho chiles), Spam sandwich (pulled pork, bacon, smoked grilled spam, fried egg), fried brownie balls, etc. Excited yet? For a good time, follow @PapaBeav and @beavershouston.

In Case You Are Still Wondering, The Food Is Off the Chain

Jonathan's kitchen offers numerous flavors of crack. During my visit, I tweaked off their shredded BBQ chicken sandwich, the Pit Boss Chickwich. See if you can spot the fried egg and pickle spear in the picture. We also had a buttermilk battered NY strip that was hands down the best chicken fried steak I've ever tasted. The dish, which was covered with mushroom and bacon gravy, was the only time I've ever felt like chicken fried steak didn't need ketchup. We also couldn't pass up ordering The Houston Press' selection for best crackaroni, er macaroni and cheese for 2009. Outstanding. Even what seemed to be an ordering blunder by one member of our table, The Wedge, turned out to be impressive. A salad? This bad boy came out with little wedges of bibb lettuce, bacon, a fried egg, and blue cheese dressing made with Southern Star Pine Belt Pale Ale. Nice.

Today I would like to depart from my regular role here at The Ferm of "poking a stick at The Man" or "angering Houstonians with my personal opinions" and instead dispense a little science. Today's lesson is on condensation.

Working in a mechanical engineering position in the HVAC field, I could readily pull out my trusty Psychrometric chart and start breaking down the properties of air with you guys, but that makes better party conversation than blog reading. I'm assuming that our astute readers already know that condensation is the transition of a vapor to a liquid, so we'll just skip to the good stuff. It is the driver behind the creation of your favorite distilled beverage, it is responsible for the conditioning in your home or office, and it is responsible for all those sweat rings on your coffee table.

Condensation is natural, powerful, beautiful, and even dangerous. In an attempt to deliver today's lesson on condensation in a fun and exciting way, I've chosen to make it into a little educational ditty. I find rhymes make everything more enjoyable. If I did my job right, you'll come out of this not even realizing that you learned something.

Dewed, Hold My Beer
He was hangin' at the sports bar with his crew.
His buddies sporting khaki pants and retro shoes.
His beloved dirt burglars just got shocked by BYU,
But they drown it out with another round of brews.
Rack 'em up, time to break, and grab a pool cue.
While they all start jamming to blink 182,
Dude starts dancing something that looks like kung fu
So he scoops up his beer and beelines for the loo.

"Excuse me!" I proclaim, with my ballyhoo.
"Your ice cold beer should not be wasted, yes this is true,
But the facts of condensation I must first construe.
I won't bore you with a nerd-ish book review.
Confuse you with enthalpy, wet bulb, or BTU.
But this restroom you just brought that drink into
Is filled with saturated air from a patron or two.
You see, urine is a warm and some evaporates too."

"Now look down at the top surface of your cold brew.
That surface, my friend, is now covered with dew.
I know you'll miss your beer, but please think this through.
DON'T TAKE YOUR COLD BEER INTO THE BATHROOM DUDE!!"

Thank You.

Recently Mrs. K Dub and myself celebrated our 1 year anniversary by making a weekend trip to Portland, Oregon. After my trip to Portland last year for my bachelor party (another entry all together, ask Sirron) she's always wanted to go, so off we went. We went to try some seafood, enjoy cool weather and of course check out the great beer scene. Well, the seafood was great, the weather was similar to Texas (Epic Fail) and the beer was uh-mazing, especially the brewery shown in this little picture to the left.

I modeled an itenerary after one created by Sirron for my bachelor party and it was quite strong. But on the second day we deviated from the schedule at the recommendation of a nice young lady at Cork (a bottle shop) on 1715 NW Lovejoy. After checking out the awesome beer selection I found a farmhouse ale from Portland that I've never heard of so I thought, "What the hell, I'll try it." I placed it on the counter and the young lady had a look on her face like a little kid in a candy store and told us about the brewery. She said, "Have you heard of Upright Brewery? You should totally check them out, they're brewing farmhouse style ales and are located in the basement of a really cool building called the Leftbank Building." Those were probably some of the greatest words that Mrs. K Dub and I had heard all weekend.

So from Cork (a bottle shop) we stopped at another brewpub, as it was right down the road, and the only thing I could think about was getting to Upright. I was giddy with excitement and just wanted to irresponsibly dispose of those brewpub offerings (ie. shooters baby) so that we could leave. After enjoying the sampler and finish watching the Wisconsin vs. Fresno State game we caught a cab to the brewery.

Which I have to ask, what's the deal with cab drivers? They drive about as well as I did when I was twelve and they drive everyday. What's the deal?

After arriving at the brewery we walked into the tasting area and greeted by another nice young lady in charge of pouring the samplers. She explained to us that they're regular beers on tap are numbered Four, Five, Six and Seven and that today they had two special ales on tap, a Gruit and their Four aged in barrels. Short and simple, they were all great, including the Gruit which I was very skeptical. Side note: Gruits are ales brewed with spices other than hops, I've had other Gruits and have not been impressed, but holy jeez, Upright's was awesome. Other beers available in bottle for tasting were the True Wit and Flora Rustica. After tasting we were led on a guided tour by owner and brewer Alex Ganum.

The tour included viewing the 10 Barrel (one barrel=31 gallons) brewing system, their two open fermenters and conditioning tanks that are all used to brew their tasty ales. Alex was kind enough to break out a bag of Hallertauer whole hops from the freezer for us to rub in our hands and smell, kind of like that other brewer/owner guy from the East Coast. The open fermenter were cool for me because these fermenters are stored in their own room that is kept under positive pressure relative to the surrounding room. I believe brewers do this with the pressure thing on open fermenters so that bacteria, wild yeasts and nasty things don't float their way into the fermenting ale spoiling it. Some beers call for this 'spoiling', but not all.

After the touring we spoke with a nice gentleman that was Treasurer of a local homebrew club, we spoke of great beer, good times and adventurous ideas. But alas, time was against us to go visit another establishment and another friend so unfortunately we had to depart. Before leaving we bought some merch and some beers for the trip back to Texas.

Mrs. K Dub and I have been talking about Upright ever since we got back and if you ever get a chance to visit Portland you should check out Upright Brewing, they pretty much kick ace.

DISCLAIMER: This post reflects the personal views of the author, in his individual capacity. It does not necessarily represent the views of TheFerm.org or its other resident bloggers, and is not sponsored or endorsed by them.

If Saint Arnold's Divine Reserve #8 hits the shelves and I'm not there purchase any, does it make a difference?

I am admittedly a little less dedicated to the cause than the rest of the Saint Arnold Army. And when I say less dedicated, I mean I spent my lunch hour four years ago visiting several local Specs Stores (and a few grocery stores) to get my hands on the first release of Divine Reserve, a heavily hopped barleywine. After over an hour of enthusiastic search, I drove back to work frustrated and empty handed. It seems there were loads of local beer drinkers more passionate than myself.

Breweries are known to instill a sense of community among the local population. However, the Saint Arnold Army phenomenon is staggering, awe-inspiring, and enviable. Besides having a welcoming attitude at the brewery itself, Saint Arnold actively supports local businesses and participates in countless community efforts. Hosting Saint Arnold at an event means getting two to four times the amount of attendees than you would have without them. Saint Arnold has that kind of following. Having almost no local and very little regional competition probably helps, but as Texas' Oldest Craft Brewery, they play more of the role of a pioneer than pirate.

This is why their introduction of small batch, special edition beers ordained for craft beer enthusiasts like me sounded so exciting. Saint Arnold may have been late to the small batch party, but this is *our* local brewery. Unable to get my hands on any Divine Reserve #1 in Houston, TheFerm.org's own K-Dub brought me some… from Dallas.

And my first impression? Eh…

Inevitably the beer could not live up to such heavenly expectations. However, paired against its peers, it honestly comes off as mediocre. K-Dub's own hoppy barleywine, which he brewed for me to celebrate the birth of my daughter, blows the earthly Saint Arnold product away. *Gasp* I can almost hear the Internet comments rolling in now ("You Suck!!" –anonymous). The next six releases also failed to live up to expectations, although I will admit, the brewery started to hit their stride around DR#5.

"But SirRon," you say (because you probably only know me by my online pseudonym), "you should support local businesses." To this I say "Sure!" But does the support local movement apply to all businesses, regardless of size or quality? Coffee shops, independent farmers, the old hardware store guy, chef owned restaurants... I understand the correlation and importance here. Is a brewery with statewide distribution on par with these local businesses?

I support countless craft breweries (nightly), all of which are small businesses situated in somebody's local community. I've visited Victory Brewing Company, located in the small community of Downingtown, PA a handful of times. I believe their output exceeds Saint Arnold, but they make outstanding beers. In the end, the experience is what means the most to me. Otter Creek Brewing Company is located in the Middlebury, a Vermont town of just over 8,000 residents. Now that they have distribution in Texas, I wish they were still brewing their Middleberry Ale, a tasty beer brewed with locally grown elderberries and blueberries. Proceeds from the sales benefited their town, if memory serves me right. Ever tried Austin Amber? Guess where this small five year old, distributor-less brewery is located?

On 9/10/09, the Saint Arnold Army will probably be out in force, clearing the shelves of their local groceries and liquor stores of Divine Reserve #8, a Scotch Ale inspired by a homebrewer's winning entry in the 2009 Big Batch Brew Bash. Myself, I'll probably be supporting someone else's community that night. I'm not saying I will never pick one of these up at over at my closest Specs liquor emporium if available, I just have lost that excitement I had in the days leading up to the DR#1 release. I support our local troops and their defense of Saint Arnold Nation, but I think I'll just hang one of those ribbons in my garage instead.

That gets me thinking... If a cynical blogger from an obscure drinking blog is uninterested in the Divine Reserve series, does it even cause any waves?

The Houston bar scene is as diverse as Houston itself. However, the Houston beer culture is quite underdeveloped, and the city's virtual lack of craft beer producers is perplexing given the explosion of microbreweries and brewpubs in the Northeastern and Northwestern States. A good beer bar, however, is the perfect remedy for the Houston beer-hunter.

The ideal watering hole is an amalgamation of many atmosphere x-factors and a beverage selection beyond the predictable basic menu of InBev/Miller-Coors products. The following represent The Ferm's Top 15 recommended places to get a beer. In basic terms, the criteria for the ranking were based on a combination of our subjective opinion of the atmosphere and quality of beers available.

#15 West Alabama Ice House
Address: 1919 W Alabama St, Houston, TX 77098
Neighborhood: Montrose
How it made the list: While it shows up at the end of our list, it would be wrong to let the horrid Houston climate force West Alabama Ice House off a list of great places to get a beer in Houston. So what if it's an outdoor bar in a city that is 90+F and humid for nine months of the year, this just might be the best dive "bar" in all of H-town. WAIH is so old school… they still maintain a MySpace page! They are family and dog friendly, host live music, and serve free hot dogs on Friday. The hungry customer can also catch something from the food vendors that drop by frequently. The beer selection is a little average, but the unique charm lands West Alabama Ice House the #15 slot.

#14 The Hobbit Café
Address: 2243 Richmond Ave, Houston, TX 77098
Neighborhood: Upper Kirby
How it made the list: While not necessarily a foodie nor a beer lover's paradise, this quirky eatery became the only traditional restaurant on our list by being good in all the categories that count. The Hobbit is a perfect place to stop for dinner during an Upper Kirby pub crawl. I wasn't aware Tex-Mex and Caribbean inspired foods were the preferred cuisine of Middle Earth, but I do know that Hobbits enjoy their drinking… and the Hobbit has a limited, but great beer menu, including several Texas craft beers on draft.

#13 The Red Lion
Address: 2316 S Shepherd Dr, Houston, TX 77019
Neighborhood: River Oaks
How it made the list: It is a British Pub, so expect the typical Bass-Harp-Guinness-Stella draft selections. Some craft beers such as Anchor Steam and Fireman's #4 also adorn the draft menu, all of which are served in 20oz imperial pints… nice touch. The pub grub here is exceptional. Baked Chicken Tandoori Quesadillas, uhh yum!

#12 Molly's Pub
Address: 24905 I-45, Spring, TX 77380
Neighborhood: The Woodlands
How it made the list: Mr. Smokeypants, who reps The Ferm in The Woodlands, vouches for this north-of-town bar. With around 30 taps, including many local craft beers, Molly's earns our title of best dive bar in the W, and the only non-Houston bar to make the Top 15.

#11 Flying Saucer
Address: 705 Main St, Houston, TX 77002
Neighborhood: Downtown
How it made the list: To be honest, I considered leaving Flying Saucer off the list. The changes to the inside and the location downtown are a turn off to me. So what saves the Sauce despite its lack of much personality or atmosphere and less than ideal downtown location? The ginormous draft wall. Respect the wall, my friends.

#10 Front Porch Pub
Address: 217 Gray St, Houston, TX 77002
Neighborhood: Midtown
How it made the list: You might be getting some sushi at Fish or a crepe at Coco's, but when hanging out in the increasingly swanky Midtown, this small old house-like pub across from low rise mixed development condos just feels right. The forty something taps are nothing to sneeze at either.

#9 McGonigel's Mucky Duck
Address: 2425 Norfolk St, Houston, TX 77098
Neighborhood: Upper Kirby
How it made the list: It would be quite an exaggeration to say the Mucky Duck is a hidden gem, but this stellar live music venue is probably underrated as a great beer bar. The tap list is impressive, and when it is not packed during a concert, the Mucky Duck feels like a comfortable neighborhood joint.

#8 Onion Creek Coffee House
Address: 3106 White Oak Dr, Houston, TX 77007
Neighborhood: The Heights
How it made the list: This Heights hangout combines a coffeehouse, lounge, and bar with a neighborhood atmosphere. A previous "Best Coffee House" winner from the Houston Press, O.C. also has loads of beer options (both bottles and drafts). The menu also contains several good breakfast and pub food options. For those not sporting a hangie from the night before, this location also hosts the Houston Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings.

#7 Little Woodrows
Address: 2306 Brazos St, Houston, TX 77006
Neighborhood: Midtown (also others)
How it made the list: Little Woodrows has a lot of beers… like 20-30 taps and 100 beers in stock. I find them good for meet up places or large gatherings. The place gets packed, so don't expect to have a nice comfortable beer and a chat with your BFF here. Plus, the atmosphere is kind of reminiscent of a converted warehouse/garage. The Rice Village location, next Ginger Man, is a convenient place to play darts if the boards at Ginger Man are full but you still want a decent beer.

#6 Rudyard's British Pub
Address: 2010 Waugh Dr, Houston, TX 77006
Neighborhood: Montrose
How it made the list: While dubbed a British Pub, this is more of a dive bar and live music venue than a pub. The tap selection is great, including many Texas beers and other crafts. In the back, you'll find a handful of dart boards. Rudyard's has that local feel and is relatively pretentious free… a very good recipe for a great beer bar.

#5 The State Bar & Lounge
Address: 909 Texas St, Houston, TX 77002
Neighborhood: Downtown
How it made the list: Given the hassle of getting to and from downtown and the lack of a concentrated area of rock solid hangout options, I have a bias against most downtown establishments. State Bar is the exception for me. Its classy feel and location inside the Rice Loft mixed development (old Rice Hotel) makes it one of my favorite downtown hangouts. The beer selection is limited, but they usually have a Saint Arnold on draft and both the bar and couch areas *are* the kind of place you would want to bring your BFF (sorry Woodrows).

#4 Stag's Head
Address: 2128 Portsmouth St, Houston, TX 77098
Neighborhood: Upper Kirby
How it made the list: You will be glad you made the effort to locate Stag's Head, which is tucked away in a shopping center and located within the triangular convergence of Shepherd/Greenbriar/Richmond just north of Hwy 59. The British pub succeeds in satisfying the patrons seeking the pub experience, craft beer advocates, and sports fans alike. Although it's been years since I've seen this deal officially offered, they still honor their old post-Astros game free pint deal if you give them your ticket stub. Stag's Head devotes many of their 30-ish taps to craft beers, and they almost always have a cask tapped. The food is quite good too, making this as close to a gastropub as Houston may have.

#3 Petrol Station Coffeehouse
Address: 985 Wakefield Dr, Houston, TX 77018
Neighborhood: Oak Forest
How it made the list: Petrol Station is hands down one of the coolest drinking establishments I've ever been to… anywhere. The bar is located in the middle of a residential area in a converted gas station. A peek at the 14 taps and two cask engines reveals an obvious dedication to providing all high quality American craft beers. Get ready for this folks; there are no Bud/Miller/Coors to be found here. As far as I can tell, the owner runs the place most of the time. Not in the mood for a fermented malty beverage? Petrol Station also has various coffee drinks available, all from coffee beans roasted in house. If I lived or worked nearby it would be easily move up a spot on this list.

#2 Hans' Bier Haus
Address: 2523 Quenby St, Houston, TX 77005
Neighborhood: Rice Village
How it made the list: It is safe to say that the establishments listed inside the top 5 possess all the characteristics of a great place to have a beer. For Hans, atmosphere could be used with either a negative or positive connotation. The structure itself is an unassuming hole in the wall. The bar area is quite small… the air conditioner struggles to provide anything much cooler than the outside air temperature... they have a stack of old board games on a table near the tiny restrooms… and I LOVE IT. The beer selection is outstanding and their impressive draft wall (20-30 taps) lean toward the craft end of the beer spectrum. As much of an inside drinker as I am, I have to admit that Hans' biggest asset is the huge outdoor beer garden. Out back you will find a dog friendly patio bar, a gondola lift car (?), and bocce ball courts. Hans' also frequently hosts live music acts. The quintessential hole in the wall beer bar? Quite possibly.

#1 The Ginger Man
Address: 5607 Morningside, Houston, TX 77005
Neighborhood: Rice Village
How it made the list: Houston is home to the oldest of the Ginger Man family of pubs, and it has a charm that is unmatched by any of their others… or any of their peers. Serving beer since 1985, this Rice Village pub was a favorite of Michael Jackson, and not the "hee hee" Michael, the world-renowned beer expert Michael. Inside you will find a dark wood filled setting with low ceilings and old bottles, cans, and beer paraphernalia decorated about. Outside you will find a great beer garden in the back and patio with picnic tables in the front. I've never counted tap handles, but there must be somewhere between 50-75 draft beers available, with many more options available by bottle. It is hard to say whether The Ginger Man has defined what a beer pub should be or just provides the finest example.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Not every good beer hangout could make the list, so we have added a few honorable mentions that were under consideration, but missed the cut.

Boondoggles - Clear Lake area. Taps galore.

Brewery Tap - Downtown location. "Cool" location (used to be a tap room for the old Magnolia brewery)

Catbird's - Interesting, low key, Montrose area bar

Washington Ave Drinkery - Owned by The Corkscrew guys (who distribute my favorite weekly email newsletter), so it has to be good.

McElroy's Pub - A good bar, but missed the list because there was only so much room for Irish/British/Scottish pubs, and it is not as distinguishing as the others. Sister pub State Bar is on the list, so no harm no foul.

Kelvin Arms - You can lounge in an actual bank vault here, but being a Scottish bar and having been served stale beer on a few occasions kept this off the list.

Can Cherry give Italian Chicken the boot? Will Jalapeño Popper say buenos noches to Potato Egg and Cheese? It is Round 3 of the Inaugural Kolache Factory Invitational Tournament time!

In spite of unfavorable weather conditions (better known as any unconditioned space in the middle of the summer in Houston), Round 3 of the 2009 Kolache Factory Invitational Tournament went down last Thursday evening.

In case you missed Round 1 and Round 2, below is a rundown of the kolaches in the semifinals:

Meat Regional Winner: (2) Italian Chicken
This undersized poultry concoction narrowly edged BBQ Beef in the opener and cruised past a Pepperoni & Mushroom that still had a hangover from its grand upset of Sausage & Cheese.

Fruit Regional Winner: (1) Cherry
The announcement of Cherry as a #1 seed in the Fruit Region was not without controversy. I reported that the fruit was overrated, but Cherry proved me wrong by thwarting a strong effort by Apple and handling the sweet goo attack of Lemon.

Breakfast Regional Winner: (1) Potato Egg & Cheese
The mammoth starch-in-starch breakfast beast sent Sausage & Gravy packing and held off the unorthodox Ham & Cheese to claim the Breakfast Region title. Some have contended that it benefited from not having to face a kolache that packed bacon in its arsenal, but I can assure you the P-E-C is the real deal potato peel.

Border Regional Winner: (2) Jalapeño Popper
It was a pre-tourney Cinderella pick. It was the inspiration of this tournament. It isn’t even on the menu anymore. With all that hype, would Jalapeño Popper show up for the tournament against the best Kolache Factory has to offer? Just ask Philly Cheesesteak and Ranchero. These are two tough competitors. But when they met the Popper… boom goes the dynamite.

As with the previous rounds, new predetermined judging criteria will be introduced for this round. Once again, the round will be scored, and the highest scoring kolache in the matchup will advance. The scoring categories are detailed below.

1. Speed Eating (a.k.a. how fast can one be eaten) – In case you missed the breaking news on TheFerm.org’s Twitter feed, I was selected to compete in the International Federation of Competitive Eating’s Kolache Factory World Kolache Eating Championship. The event will be held in Houston, TX at Minute Maid Park after the September 4th Astros v. Phillies game. This criterion was actually selected for the semifinals before I knew I would be competing. While I will no doubt practice a few times before September 4th, dipping and cramming was not allowed in this round of the KFIT... needless to say, this is a tournament that celebrates the looks, textures, and flavors of the kolache. Joey Chestnut is a competitive eating living legend, but I'm guessing he wasn't enjoying the flavor complexities of the 56 Sausage & Cheese kolaches he downed in the previous Kolache Eating Championship.
   
   Total available points = [ Sum Eating Time (3 judges) / Minimum of the Summed Eating Times (3 judges) ] x 10 = 10 pts max (scores rounded down to the nearest whole number)
   
   
2. Taste – No fancy math or rules here… each kolache will be scored based on overall flavor.
   
   Total available points = 5 pts x 3 judges = 15 pts max

The Saint Arnold Brewery unknowingly played host to the KFIT Semifinals (well, Brock did stop by to ask what the heck we were doing with all those kolaches). The rather conspicuous Speed Eating portion was performed first.


Since this round is a time trial and not a head-to-head battle, we drew individual eating slots from a hat before the competition. Obviously the 3rd and 4th kolaches had a distinct disadvantage in this portion of the competition, but that is the luck of the draw, so to speak. The lineup was drawn as follows:

1. Cherry
2. Jalapeño Popper
3. Potato Egg & Cheese
4. Italian Chicken

I brought my Flip Mino HD along and we documented the event. Enjoy our video presentation of the Speed Eating portion of the competition.


Video Link

The Matchup: 2) Italian Chicken vs. 1) Cherry

Speed Eating:
Cherry acquired the top eating slot through the draw, which turned out to be a blessing and a curse. Clearly the judges, having not eaten since lunch, were hungry and ready to go all “dessert first” on this kolache. However, being inexperienced speed eaters, overzealous bites and the sticky goo slowed the disposal of the Cherry filled kolache. A surprise hidden pit in my kolache also caused a temporary pause in my consumption. Italian Chicken drew the last spot eating spot. I’ll be honest, none of the judges were enthusiastic about taking down a 4th kolache, making it’s matchup against a kolache in the one hole even more unlucky. As a petite as less sticky kolache, Italian Chicken could have maybe taken the top score. Given the circumstances, it still performed quite well.

SCORE:
Italian Chicken, 293 seconds, 10/(293/229) = 7.8 = 7
Cherry, 229 seconds, 10/(229/229) = 10

Taste:
When people think of Cherry, they think cherry pie. The cherry filling used by Kolache Factory is quite tasty and is very reminiscent of pie filling. However, I also think you have to go into this not thinking you are getting a cherry filled donut. Kolaches are breadier… or is it more breadiest. The judges liked the filling, but Cherry took a little score hit for overall kolache flavor. Italian Chicken is a small kolache with an inconspicuous filling (not colorful at all). But don’t turn your back on the Chicken. This little guy is bursting with cheesy, chicken’y, herb’y flavors. "Outstanding," noted one of the judges. "Fugetaboudit," responded Italian Chicken.

SCORE:
Italian Chicken, 11
Cherry, 7

FINAL SCORE:
Cherry had speed on its side Thursday night. But speed was not quite enough to overcome Italian Chicken’s mysterious tasty goodness.

Italian Chicken, 18
Cherry, 17


The Matchup: 1) Potato Egg & Cheese vs. 2) Jalapeño Popper

Speed Eating:
The Popper drew a fortunate eating spot. The 2 spot catches the eaters with a little more experience and while they are still a little hungry. The judges found The Popper to be a little sticky in the mouth with all that cream cheese. The bacon pieces couldn’t be chewed, so they just had to ride down the hatch with the bread of cheese filling. Just a post eating note, none of the judges noticed any spiciness from the jalapeños... until several minutes after the kolache was gone. P-E-C is like an offensive lineman competing in a 200m dash. Conquering the beast, er P-E-C, was a challenge. I used the break up and attack method, while the other judges used a conservative biting method. All the judges passed the 2 minute mark eating this one. Ugh.

SCORE:
Potato Egg & Cheese, 430 seconds, 10/(430/229) = 5.3 = 5
Jalapeño Popper, 253 seconds, 10/(253/229) = 9.05 = 9

Taste:
On the surface, Potato Egg & Cheese is a simple breakfast concoction. However, a peek inside reveals south of the border influences. Jalapeño Popper once again finds itself in another border battle, but it is a battle tested kolache. Judges noted its near perfect blend of flavor and spiciness. The Popper’s use of bacon tops any other bacon combination at Kolache Factory. Potato Egg & Cheese delivered in the favor category as well. Judges lauded the overall taste, noting the uncredited ingredients really contribute favorably to the kolache. But was this the border clash it was billed to be? "I didn’t see this as a border inspired food issue," The Popper insisted. "P-E-C may have wanted to stir up some emotion, but we just do our thing. We let our bacon hypnotize you while the jalapeños score on you at will." When asked if the P-E-C’s southwestern influences created any confusion, The Popper responded "I grew up with eggs, potatoes, cheese, tomatoes, onions… all of them. Heck, I had potatoes and ranchero eggs for breakfast!"

SCORE:
Potato Egg & Cheese, 13
Jalapeño Popper, 13

FINAL SCORE:
Someone was bound to catch Potato Egg & Cheese. It won the Breakfast Regional on a coin toss and tied the taste portion of this Semifinals. Unfortunately the reason why I often pick the P-E-C up for breakfast ended up being the reason why it lost in the tournament: size.

Potato Egg & Cheese, 18
Jalapeño Popper, 22

The results mark the second numerical upset, with both #1 seeds falling to #2 seeds in this semifinal round.


The 2009 Kolache Factory Invitational Tournament Finals


Both Italian Chicken and Jalapeño Popper will travel to (what someday may be) a kolache’s most hallowed grounds. On September 5th, 2009, the KFIT finalists will head to Austin, TX to battle during a tailgate for the beginning of the college football season at The University of Texas. The competition will once again involve taste and will include a Saint Arnold beer pairing category.

"This is great exposure for our kind," noted Jalapeño Popper. "We feel right at home with tailgates and beer. Maybe this will put us on the map… or menu."

"We certainly have a lot of respect for this tournament and our competitor," Italian Chicken added. "Our pals Vito and Big Poultry are already heading to Austin to learn a thing or two about a thing or two regarding the finals venue. I’m not saying we have this in the bag, but I’m just saying."

To kick off Round 2, I decided to do a Google search to see what other mock-serious brackets could be found on the interwebs. I found meat brackets, fruit brackets, and even sports uniform brackets… just to name a few. But a kolache tourney? Folks, I think we are breaking new ground here at The Ferm. Maybe this will land us in that "Final Four of Everything" book... or an honorary spot in the upcoming I.F.O.C. Kolache Factory World Kolache Eating Championship (how hard can it be to beat Smackoff Champ Sean Pendergast's seven kolaches?)… or maybe just a free kolache. A guy can dream...

Round 1 featured judging criteria analogous to a qualification round... kind of like the NFL compound (link to Round 1). The kolaches were graded based on performance, but looks were very important. To avoid being repetitive in my analysis and the monotonous write-up that would follow, I will be mixing in new judging categories for each round. Unlike the previous categories, Round 2 will be scored numerically and will be based on the following categories:

1. Eatability – No, not exactly the same as that campaign for the pale fizzy stuff The Man tried to sell you by convincing you his product was in fact, drinkable. One of the things that make kolaches great is that you can eat them on the go. This category will measure the neatness of the kolache while it is eaten. A score of 0-3 will be assigned.
   Total available points = 3 pts x 2 judges = 6 pts max
   
2. Taste – Each kolache will be scored based on overall flavor… pretty straightforward.
   Total available points = 5 pts x 2 judges = 10 pts max
   
3. Value – Let's face it, in this economy, value matters. The value category will be determined by taking the total score in the Taste category and dividing it by the price of the kolache. The kolache with the higher Taste Points per Dollar in the matchup will get 2 points. (after you've read the matchups below, check out a graph of the results... yo, I said after)
   

For each matchup, the highest scoring kolache will move on the KFIT Semifinals.

Welcome to the Regional Finals! Which kolache will reign supreme?

As in Round 1, the matchups will be recapped below as they are completed, with the newest appearing at the top. Check back often or follow The Ferm's twitter feed for updates. Click below to enlarge the current bracket.
(updated 8/2/09 11:16 PM)

Before we get started, I'd like to give some shout outs. Thanks to Mr. Smokeypants' brother-in-law for the Eatability category suggestion. Thanks to J. R. Ewing for unknowingly inspiring the Value judging category with his under appreciated Minute Maid Shenanigans posts on the inexplicable value discrepancies in beer prices throughout the ball park. Huge props to Marco at the 10455 Briar Forest store, who politely took my big list of kolaches last Friday and filled it without a question or cross look... despite it being 6:15 in the morning. And finally, thanks to the Kolache Factory Twitter dude, who is aware of this project and hasn't shut it down yet.

Meat Regional Final: 2) Italian Chicken vs. 4) Pepperoni & Mushroom

How They Got Here:
Italian Chicken edged BBQ Beef in the equivalent of a double OT win. But Italian Chicken’s win pales in comparison to Pepperoni & Mushroom’s shocking defeat of #1 overall seed Sausage & Cheese.

Eatability (0-6 pts):
Italian Chicken has enough cheese to hold the chicken together. Pepperoni & Mushroom, seemingly still riding the high from its improbable defeat of Sausage & Cheese, showed up for this matchup with almost no filling. On the positive side, the lack of filling increased its score for Eatability. However, a single spill from the Pepperoni & Mushroom would mean grease stain city, my friends.


SCORE:
Italian Chicken, 4
Pepperoni & Mushroom, 4

Taste (0-10 pts):
In what could only be described as coming out flat after the emotional high of a tough victory, both kolaches under-performed in this matchup. In my opinion, the Italian Chicken and the Pepperoni & Mushroom that showed up today would have lost in the 1st round in this form. But in a single elimination tournament, only the current game matters. Italian Chicken was still relatively strong and only a little drier than previously. Pepperoni & Mushroom left the judges wondering where the pizza was today (see Round 1 photo).

SCORE:
Italian Chicken, 7
Pepperoni & Mushroom, 5

Value (2pts to winner):
Italian Chicken, 7 / $1.65 = 4.24 taste pts/$ (+2 bonus pts)
Pepperoni & Mushroom, 5 / $1.55 = 3.23 taste pts/$

FINAL SCORE:
Italian Chicken 13
Pepperoni & Mushroom 9

Fruit Regional Final: 1) Cherry vs. 3) Lemon

How They Got Here:
Its #1 seeding in the Fruit Regional was controversial, but Cherry backed up the pre-tourney grade with a win over the formidable Apple. Lemon advanced by out goo-ing the competition in somewhat of an apathetic battle with Cream Cheese.

Eatability (0-6 pts):
Each kolache was easy to hold, but the bite that breaks the goo-containment wall was the most telling. Cherry’s goo was a little less viscous than that of Lemon’s (Judge's note: goo viscosity assessed after 30 seconds in microwave).


SCORE:
Cherry, 4
Lemon, 3

Taste (0-10 pts):
Cherry brought its A-game for the Fruit Regional Finals. It was tart and packed with cherries, unlike the 3 ½ fruit pieces for the Apple matchup. Lemon was good, but it was surprisingly less tart than Cherry… something the judges weren’t too sweet on.

SCORE:
Cherry, 8
Lemon, 5

Value (2pts to winner):
The bonus points are gimmes in this matchup. All the fruit kolaches are the same price.
Cherry, 8 / $0.99 = 8.08 taste pts/$ (+2 bonus pts)
Lemon, 5 / $0.99 = 5.05 taste pts/$

FINAL SCORE:
Cherry 14
Lemon 8

Breakfast Regional Final: 1) Potato Egg & Cheese vs. 3) Ham & Cheese

How They Got Here:
P-E-C cruised to the Regional Finals by outmatching Sausage & Gravy, which is like the Morehead State of Kolaches. Not that there is anything wrong with Kentucky universities, but P-E-C is no mid-major. Ham & Cheese pulled off somewhat of an upset by defeating an egg kolache in the Breakfast Regional... and one with bacon!

Eatability (0-6 pts):
One of my favorite things about P-E-C is its biggest disadvantage in the Eatability category: it is huge and stuffed with ingredients. Being big makes P-E-C great for hungry kolache customers and also those with giant hands. If only I had giant hands I may be playing professional ball right now instead of blogging about kolaches (being 5’7” is a bit of a hindrance as well). H&C is like the Spud Webb of kolaches. This kolache is heavy on the ham bits and light on the cheese, so the ham does have the ability to free itself from the confines of the bread. (WARNING: If a tiny ham bit ever jumps out of the kolache and happens to fall inside your shirt, have someone film the ensuing dance. It’ll start a new craze… or at least be a popular YouTube video.)


SCORE:
Potato Egg & Cheese, 3
Ham & Cheese, 3

Taste (0-10 pts):
The tasting notes on these kolaches are similar to that of the 1st round. I’m not sure why P-E-C has peppers and tomatoes in it, but I like it. This is a tasty kolache that is somewhat “border” inspired. As for H&C, the use of a white cheese (Swiss?) is not what I would expect, but it tastes good. I only wish there was a little more cheesiness in the H&C.

SCORE:
Potato Egg & Cheese, 9
Ham & Cheese, 7

Value (2pts to winner):
P-E-C get the Meal-in-One pricing, while H&C is kind of a bargain priced meat kolache.
Potato Egg & Cheese, 9 / $2.09 = 4.31 taste pts/$
Ham & Cheese, 7 / $1.29 = 5.43 taste pts/$ (+2 bonus pts)

FINAL SCORE:
Potato Egg & Cheese 12
Ham & Cheese 12

Crap! I did not have a backup plan for a tie, so in the spirit of competition, I chose the most powerful resolution criteria ever invented. Nope... not Rock/Paper/Scissors... a coin toss.
P-E-C, being the higher seed, was assigned heads. And the winner is...

P-E-C takes its place on the stand.

Border Regional Final: 1) Ranchero vs. 2) Jalapeño Popper

How They Got Here:
Ranchero ran through the first round by taming the not-for-the-sensitive-stomached Jalapeño & Cheese. July’s Kolache of the Month, Jalapeño Popper, frazzled the frizzled steak of Philly Cheese Steak to start its magical run to the championship.

Eatability (0-6 pts):
Egg kolaches have an inherent disadvantage in the eatability category, and the Ranchero is no different. The scrambled eggs don’t seem to be cooked with the other ingredients, so everything tends to want to follow the Newton’s laws of gravity. Inside the Popper, the bacon and jalapeños use teammate cream cheese to bond.

Hey, it's a kolache tourney, not a photography contest

SCORE:
Ranchero, 4
Jalapeño Popper, 6

Taste (0-10 pts):
The Ranchero is like a Mexican breakfast in your mouth… but with like, ham. The Jalapeño Popper is like heaven in your mouth. Bacon and cream cheese just go together like the sun and the sea or like bees and honey. Mix in some jalapeño and it’s like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong. I’m not sure what the addition of bacon would do to Ranchero, but in its current form, the ham just doesn’t do it for the judges.

SCORE:
Ranchero, 6
Jalapeño Popper, 9

Value (2pts to winner):
The Popper is a “Kolache of the Month,” so I don’t know if that status comes with special pricing, but the rules are the rules.
Ranchero, 6 / $2.09 = 2.87 taste pts/$
Jalapeño Popper, 9 / $1.69 = 5.33 taste pts/$ (+2 bonus pts)

FINAL SCORE:
Ranchero 10
Jalapeño Popper 17

Today I will be brewing a Kolsch style beer, in fact, it'll be the same recipe as one of my wedding beers. I'm going to try and have this ready for Addison! Oktoberfest, my in-laws will most likely be in town and my mother-in-law really likes Kolsch beers. Aren't I so nice? And just like Sirron's brewday, today will be filled with awesome weather (scattered rain and Houston humid-ish). Perhaps after I brew and clean up we'll go to the Ginger Man and have some beer and beer food. Even though it's hot, more than likely it won't be filled with the Chris-Chris, douche bag tools who drive their low end BMWs due to no Dallas Mavericks game tonight.

9:47am - Crap, I can't find my stir bar for my yeast starter, off to Homebrew Headquarters, my
local homebrew shop (LHS), with my morning Dunn Brothers Coffee.

11:06am - Alright, got the yeast starter boiling, I need to keep an eye on this sucker as it likes to boil over almost every time, little bastard. I usually try to make the starter the night before but due to no stir bar, it's this morning it is.

12:05pm - Mash has started, 90 minutes from now I'll begin to recirculate then sparge the mash. Aren't you mesmerized by my super awesome ghetto mash tun? If not, you should be, it is truly greatness, how could Jimmy Buffett and a Texas A&M blankey not be cool?

12:29 - Beer time, better start with something light, and the winner is, Saint Arnold Summer Pils. This has to be my favorite summer varietal, if you don't know, you better axe somebody.....or just go get a six pack......or case......whatever you're into. Just try it and you'll see what all my fuss in about.

1:00pm - My buddy from work, Greg, just got here with his kid, quality parenting showing up to a house where drinking and making beer are favorite past times. Good job homes! I guess I'll go ahead and eat some lunch that my wonderful wife made for me.

1:30pm - It's spaaaarging, it's spaaaarging time. I use a gravity system for this, second drinking beer is another Saint Arnold Summer Pils. Just checked outside, temperature reads about 86F, humidity is quite strong though, how unfortunate.

3:29pm - Alrighty now the boil is going, this is going to be a 90 minute boil. I do that to reduce DMS precursors, DMS can leave a canned corn type of aroma and taste in the finished beer and one way to reduce those precursors is a longer boil. Since the Kolsch style is a German type beer, 95% of the grist (grain) is pilsner malt. Pilsner malt is one of the lighter types of base malts and since it is not kilned as hot or as long as other base grains, the DMS precursors remain in the malt. It's hot out there, only 91F though, Sirron must be jealous, oh yeah, no rain right now and the humidity has gone done considerably.

3:57pm - Bittering hops are in, a blend of Hallertauer and Tettanger, I'm trying to clean out my hop supply and both are appropriate so, why not? Oh yeah, I switched to water for the moment, the sweat factor is high.

4:26pm - Crap, rain looks like it's rolling in, lemme check weather.com.....double crap, it really looks like it's going to rain on me. CRAP!!

5:05pm - Well, here's a quick shot of the prepared wort, after boiling with the hops, going into the fermenter. Nothing fancy, just pumping from one vessel to another via a heat enchanger cooled by the garden hose water.

5:14pm - Now that the wort has been cooled down I'll start to aerate it. I just use an aquarium pump and a stainless steel stone thing. It works ok I guess, an Oxygen tank with a rate controled regulator would be better though.

6:21pm - Everything is put away and the wort is chilling, it's not technically beer until the yeast gets pitched (ie. yeast + wort = beer). And after all the concern, it didn't rain, sweet. I'll take care of pitching the yeast tomorrow, for now it's Spicy Chicken Pad Thai from a box and homebrewed American IPA, yummy.