Houston is ALL SYSTEMS GO!

Cracked a bottle of Firemans #4...B'd up hours ago. Got a plate of extremely tasty, leftover brisket-tacos in front of me. Thanks, Mrs. Smokeypants!

Did'ya know J.R. Ewing has his own twitter page (www.twitter.com/longhorndave) and he tweets with Ms. Footer of Astros Footnotes fame...must be nice...

Bottom of the 2nd:

Nice timing...finally get on the blogosphere to live-blog the 'stros vs. the fat friars and some no-name male nun (Alphonzo) goes yard. WTF?!

Inning over...why does Keystone Lite spend money on commercials...although I think they did give us the Mr. Dumass commercial...moving on, why is Natural Lite blowing up my tv with ads lately...seriously, no one buys that swill based on the commercials

Top of the 3rd:

drink! Brownie said "Cheo"...drink! JD said "Brownie"
Why drink, you ask, because nicknames in baseball are one of its great contributions to Americana. And this is my game, so I makes the rules

Oh, I should probably watch the game and report instead of focusing on the commentary...hard to type, watch, and listen...

Mr. Outback (32 yr old rookie Pad pitcher Silva, only weeks from serving bloomin onions and pitching in the Mexican league to the likes of Julio Franco) has set down 9 in a row (with 2K's). Yuck. Looks like 'stros are back to being spellbound by pitchers they've never seen before

Bottom of the 3rd:

drink! JD made an Outback reference

Moehler strikes out Mr. Outback...way to go...do you want a cookie...

Tony Gwynn's son is up...looks like a replica of Gary Matthews son -- who somehow got a $50M contract from the halos for being over 30 yrs old and mediocre
drink! another "Brownie." Okay...real props to Moehler this time...another K...
sit down Junior

Eckstein up...why can't this guy stick with a team...he's like Scrappy Doo...definitely a keeper...WHOA...Eck beaned...almost square in the noggin...
lucky he raised that shoulder

Flip...Hairston (another son of a former MLBr) sinlges...Moehler might be rattled after nearly taking off Scrappy Doo's head

Two on. Adrian Gonzalez up...grrrrrrrreat, their only dangerous bomber. Whew...ground out to Kaz

drink! JD dropped a "Chulo Vista" (AG's hometown)...just sounds cool

Inning over:

drink! Taco Bell pot-munchies commercial
drink! Most Interesting Man in the World makes his first appearance...
I hope I have his hairdo in thirty years...including badass beard

Trivia time: 1965 NL Rookie of the Year? (cue Jeopardy music)
Brownie can't help but give hints...Padre coach...still don't know it...Jim Lefebvre...
Who does he think he is, Brett Favre?!

Top of the 4th:

Bourn...out...can't complain...he's having a decent year

Tejada...single...big surprise...he's Mr. Slappy since he got off the B-vitamins...have to say I am impressed with his doubles total thus far though

Berkman nails one through the shortstop's glove...nawice...
Big Puma is really gettin on a roll lately

drink! JD picks on shortstop [insert your Cabrera here] for not spitting like a real baller

The General Lee whaps a long single...Miggy scores...I'll drink to that...game tied 1-1
drink! "Caballito" spotted by JD in the stands...
Way to represent on the road, H-town fans
drink! another "Cheo"

Blum up...uh oh...0-13 against the Padres
drink! Brownie dropped a "Blummer"
JD mentioned something about Harry Smith and "the black darter"...don't know what to do with that
drink! JD tells a story about catcher Joe Mauer on the Twins...my favorite AL team
Wow! Another hard hit ball gets through the infield...Yo Adrian got a glove on it but can't stop it or contain it. Geof (I disagree with his spelling) ends his 0-fer against this sad sack team. Puma scores. You know what that means...drink! Score now 2-1 'stros
another "Blummer"...not drinking...that nickname isn't creative

Pudge up...no drinking to that nickname...it was stolen from Carlton Fisk...
nice line out to right, old man

Erstad up...walked...Mr. Outback is not long for this world...
sure enough, bully getting warm

Matsui up...0-1 with bases loaded this year...did we really need that stat? Single up the middle, shortstop [insert your Cabrera here] can't handle it AGAIN. His deseparate attempt to flip the ball to second is a hilarious lame duck...quack quack...bang...sorry buddy, Fatty Lee scores. 3-1

JD drops "acrobatic play," "hand grenade throw," and "backdoor" in one sentence...
that trifecta of verbal artistry deserves a drink

Thankfully we're getting to Mr. Outback somewhat, even though we've never seen him before. Still no extra-base hits...welcome to the 2009 Astros offense

Moehler up with the bases still bloated...hits a chopper to third...Fielded...that's an upgrade compared to earlier efforts this inning...but...OH NO! Padres are kicking the ball around the stadium...third sacker misses first bagger...then 1B misses home plate by a country mile...that's two big errors...3 runs score on the pitcher's grounder....ouch. We got 6 runs...Ho-lee Cow! Game is now 6-1. This is unheard of. I don't know what to do with myself...oh yeah, I know -- drinkX3!

JD's "big can of ugly" describing the abortion that is the Padre infield does not deserve a drink

Bourn out again...somehow they managed not to boot his groundie

Bottom of the 4th: BREAK (getting another Fireman), Moehler surprisingly unphased

Top of the 5th: new no-name pitcher for the priests

Miggy grounds out to third...two grounders fielded in a row....Way to go Pads! Except for Yo Adrian, this is a minor league team...
I can't believe we coughed up the booty last night

Lancy Pants...I can call him that because his AVG is so bad..but his stats in this park are nasty...he attributes that to the nice hitting background...huh, whatever, I get it, but I'm not buying it...Puma launches a rocket to left...Hairston robs him of a homer...dagnabbit

Lee flies out to Hairston too...he's so fat

Bottom of the 5th:

Tony Gwynn's son grounds out

The Big Puma snares Scrappy Doo's soft, funky liner on a full-out dive.
Reflexes like a cat...sh*t...

JD notes that the Padres are sporting an all son-of-former-major-leaguer outfield...sweet...I didn't know about Venable (the ou D-coordinator?).
drink! that's just kewl...
goes back to another great contribution of baseball to Americana: father/son moments

Hairston walks...blah

AG up...Hairston steals on I-Rod easily...ugh...we should just put AG on -- now that there's an empty bag...Moehler obliges (not intentionally) to JD's loud dismay ("WOW!")...don't worry, be happy...we've got this in the bag

Headley (who?) flies out. Kaz earns his paycheck for once with a reverse basket-catch

Inning over: FSN wonders what's on Puma ipod -- country...big surprise...no problem here. Respect. I'm down with that

Break: Mrs. Smokeypants calling from A-town, kid is kicking like a Brazilian futboller...by the way, nice going on Sunday, USA Soccer...choke job

Top of the 6th:

Blow-U's D-coordinator flies out to the left fatso

Longhorn spotted in the outfield...drink!

Alphonzo doubles...dang...he's got Moehler's number

Insert-your-Cabrera-here is finally up...K! very nice.
Moehler's got 8K's through 5 and 1/3...Say what?!

Insert-your-Rodriguez-here is up for their no-name middle reliever...drink to boredom...JD remarks on the "slow-moving ballgame"...grounder to Puma...third out

Inning over: by the way, big thanks to the 'stros on-line peeps...you are the only MLB team that did not post its press notes for the public today...I was trying to do some research, guys...come on...help a brother out...and big ups to you, Alyson Footer -- Astro's red-haired hotty, you haven't blogged for days...I forgot what's your new job-title...oh yeah, professional blogger...try logging on while you're in the Gas Lamp District

Top of the 7th: need another #4...enough with this game for a while

Got beer. Scarfed down rest of tacos and spicy rice...yummm!

Bottom of the 8th: still 6-1 'stros...yawn...this Fulchino character the 'stros have in middle-relief seems pretty good. Got us out of the 7th, after Moehler's impressive 6 innings, and still effective

No Seinfeld references from JD yet. Disappointing. That would've been a shot --
a la Iron Chef''s "man alive"

JD wonders "anything exciting going on out there." I'm feelin ya

Under-rated baseball movie: Ferris Buehler's Day Off. The scenes at Wrigley are great. Cameron: "Hey batter...hey batter...hey batter..." Too bad Mia Sara is a beatch, at least according to Sean and John at 1560AM The Game

Top of the 9th: 'stros are lucky this is a laugher...6 runs were in one inning...only singles and errors...typical of the 'stros offense this year

Bottom of the 9th: Hawk in to close. How does this old dog still throw mid-90s!?!
ASTROS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post-game show:

What's the opposite of "drink!"? Someone just said "boo boo"...that'll make you throw up in your mouth a little bit

Everybody is killing this game for being boring...whaddya expect...it's baseball...
that's why I luv it...they don't call it a pastime for nothin

Kevin E. accidentally lets slip a "San Diahhhgo" (Ron Burgundy-style)..."Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina."

On that note...virgin venture into The Ferm's blogosphere by Mr. Smokeypants done. Over and out. Tune in next time for more-researched takes, Astros memories, and stories on Tom Glavine, Mark Grace, baseball groupies, and slumpbusting. Goodnight teenagers

  1. SirRon July 2, 2009 at 10:32 AM  

    Mr. Smokeypants, you pulled off what I thought would be impossible. Make a baseball game recap interesting. Well done.

    Rereading it this morning it is still as funny as during the game.

    Nice job and welcome to The Ferm (use "blogosphere" one more time and we will have to place you on probation :)