I must confess that I have been leading a secret life for the last year and it is time to come clean. I have been obsessively studying your every move. I know what you search, what you read, and how long you spend doing it. I think I understand why Google calls it Analytics.

The line between obsessive-compulsive and genius is thin. But while this post won’t be in that team picture, I believe I have studied just enough to be helpful to the general Google public. Each day, several hundred million queries are made through Google. Approximately 0.000005% (plus or minus 0.000001%) of these Googlers find their way to our little space on the Interwebs (which is TheFerm.org, in case you are accidentally found yourself here while searching for information on Google Analytics).

Mmmmm... Analytics

For example, if you were to enter a phase containing “best”, “beer”, “Houston”, and “bars” in Google, you will most likely see a link to our Top 15 Places to Get a Beer in Houston, TX post. Unless you really are into West Alabama Ice House, you will most likely find the post informative, start following TheFerm on Twitter, sign up for our RSS feed, and/or comment about my glaring omission of Anvil Bar & Refuge from the list.

But what of the rest of the directionless Googlers? Knowing how our readers find us has a huge bearing on our sales and marketing inner blogger’s ego. Google Analytics provides us with a peek inside the minds of our readers by recording what keywords people use to find us. Analytics also records the average time on site and pages per visit, giving us a pretty good indicator of customer satisfaction (e.g. a visit less than 10 seconds means you are most likely not happy with the results of your Google search... or you are a killer speed-reader).

This post represents our dedication to customer satisfaction at The Ferm. The objective: To help those who came to the site looking for a particular piece of information and left without an answer. You may have shown up here by accident, but make yourself comfortable, perhaps sit on our couch, we are here to help.

We get A LOT of kolache traffic. I wouldn’t be surprised if we got more kolache traffic than any other drinking blog on the entire Internet. With this honor, comes a great responsibility to provide relevant content for the kolache craving masses. Here are a few searches, paired with (hopefully) a satisfactory response:
  • Are real kolaches made with potatoes?
    No, a “kolache” is actually a pastry of Czech origins made with specific bread dough that has fruits and/or cheeses in the center. A klobasnek is the savory cousin to the kolache that is typically filled with meat, cheese, etc. I’m not kolache expert, though I am a kolache eating professional, at least I'm in the top 7 of professionals, even though the contest actually involved klobasneks, so maybe I’m a klobasnek expert, and I think a potato-filled “kolache” would most likely fit in the klobasnek category.
  • Does fruit kolaches have cream cheese in them
    Yes they does, or they could, as long as there is also fruit in them, because otherwise they wouldn’t be fruit kolaches.

  • Kolache Factory dough recipe + video
    I have to draw the line somewhere. You not only want the recipe but ALSO a video of how to make the dough!? Look Sheldon J. Plankton, I’ve been told to keep the recipe completely secret. However, I’d hate for you to leave unsatisfied, so direct your future questions toward Andrew Eller. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to sign away their secrets via Internet request.

  • Ugly Kolache
    It’s hard to tell exactly what you wanted here, but it’s not very nice to call any kolache ugly. I have documented some kolaches “acting” ugly in the wild. Hopefully the photo to the right will help satisfy your fetish.

  • What kind of cheese goes in a kolache
    I’m going to suggest cottage cheese or cream cheese.

I rapped about condensation once, but apparently my post wasn’t informative enough for these folks:

  • Fun condensation lesson
    I think it is a fair assumption that this Googler was a grade school science teacher. Here is a suggestion. Just take my rap and make the following simple changes to make it more “classroom friendly”:

    - Replace “the sports bar” to “the Barnes and Noble.”
    - Replace the whole line “His beloved dirt burglars just got shocked by BYU” to the much more kid friendly “His friends are all at a table reading about the zoo.” Just a side note, you probably don’t want to use “dirt burglar” in your classroom, because not all your kids will be able to get in The University of Texas or Texas A&M, and then the University of Oklahoma is an acceptable alternative (plus, they can major in fried bologna). Also, if your kids look up "dirt burglar" in urbandictionary.com, they won't find the definition to be a funny name to call a "sooner," but something much more derogatory (seriously, what is wrong with people).
    - The next line, “But they drown it out with another round of brews” no longer makes sense in a educational setting, so go with “All that learning makes them thirsty, time for more juice!”
    - And since this edited version is set in a B&N and not a bar, “Rack 'em up, time to break, and grab a pool cue/ While they all start jamming to blink 182” won’t work. Instead go with “Spider monkeys and alpacas, lions and a moose/koalas, elephants, snakes and birds, haha mother goose.” Don’t forget to replace the remaining five “beer” and “brew” references to “juice.”

    See... easy, and your kids will learn something too. Disguising a condensation lesson in a really white rap is like putting cheese on broccoli: they’ll enjoy eating their vegetables. Grades up, drugs down. If you swim after lunch, you are bound to drizzown. School is cool, yo.
  • Dude hold my beer graph
    Only if I can post it, sir.

  • Heineken is too alcoholly
    Heineken is 5% ABV. For comparison, Bud Light is 4.2% ABV. I find Heineken approachable for the average beer drinker, but if you are looking for something even more approachable-er, try Real Ale Brewing Company’s Fireman’s #4. It is 5.1% ABV, but it doesn't taste as "alcoholly," which is actually probably that intentional skunky flavor Heineken has and not alcohol you are tasting.

  • Hoffy burger song
    The lyrics may not be online, but you can transcribe them from this YouTube video.

All the other burgers are made with mutilated monkey meat and little dirty birdie feet.

  • How to get hired by houston chronicle?
    It’s not as hard as you think. Basically you have to know someone or have a family member that is an employee.

  • You can't just call shenanigans on innocent people, that's how wars are started
    I totally agree, Officer Barbrady, no monkeyshines. Nothing to see here, move along.

  • Divine reserve 9 gross
    Divine Reserve 9 is in fact, *not* gross. (This *fact* may be why this user couldn’t find much help through Google.) Brock, you have to believe me. I have never said that DR9 was gross. DR9 is intoxicatingly delicious… It's. Not. Gross. I cannot help this person.

  • Beer hold my pee
    Seriously? Ummm... next!

  • Measurement pitcher of beer
    Too small... I’m looking at you, Hooters. (no I’m not looking at your hooters, and they aren’t small, they are like – the right size or... whatever)

  • 1560 beer
    I tried! I agree, it was a great idea.

Last one.

  • Is pig cloning still going on
    That is why we keep an Aggie on staff. From what I understand, the answer is yes. However, it turns out if you put the girl and the boy ones in the same room, they make new pigs much more reliably though.

Thank you for stopping by Googlers… until next time!

  1. J.R. Ewing March 15, 2010 at 8:46 PM  

    Add this one to the list...just googled it and indeed, The Ferm was the #1 hit!

    "dude hold my peeing pig while calling shenanigans and eating kolaches at anvil"

  2. SirRon March 15, 2010 at 10:06 PM  


    Ha! You weren't kidding.