Oregon - United States of Beer Project

Posted by SirRon | Saturday, March 17, 2012

EDITOR'S NOTE: You may be aware that I lost my brewery ratings after losing my backup and primary hard drives within a week of each other. I went through all kinds of grief.

First I was in denial that they were gone. I took both drives apart, switched wires around, and hooked them up to other computers. Let me tell you, I learned a lot about hard drives and how fragile they are during this step. Ridiculously fragile.

But seriously, how can a man lose two hard drives in one week? It doesn't even make sense. What kind of moron breaks two hard drives! WHAT KIND OF MORON DOESN'T HAVE THREE HARD DRIVES!!

Desperate, I called a few super nerds I found on the Interwebs that were willing to charge me nearly $1000 to get my stuff back. One had a great Boston accent, but he sounded a little too "street" to trust with $1000 and my precious hard drives.

All of my documents, the documentation  of both my children's lives, and the USBP were not worth $1000. Were they? No. No they couldn't be. Everything is gone. I feel like a blinking cursor on a blank screen.

But I won't let that get me down. I must rebuild, and I've begun by recalibrating the old USBP model! I've also given the USBP its own page on the site and a link on the top tabs for the site. Since Oregon was a calibration state for my original model, I'm getting back into the swing by rehashing some material. Hopefully you aren't disappointed. But seriously, how could you be all that disappointed in me? We hardly know each other. AND, maybe you don't even remember reading it the first time. Maybe you haven't read it before, and therefore it's new to you. Either way, I've never claimed to be a credible writer, sooo...

Admission to Statehood: February 14, 1859
Population: ~3.8M
Capital: Salem
Largest City:
State Beverage: Milk
State Dance: Square Dance
Well Known For: Being that place you always died trying to get to during your Elementary computer lab, Nike, James Beard, Smart Growth, dungeness crabs, hippies.

Brewery Representative: Rogue Ales (Newport, Oregon)

USBP Score: 187

Established: 1988
Flagship Beer: Dead Guy Ale
Comments: We've been offline for a while due to a catastrophic hard drive failure. Most of the USBP scoring and selections had to be rebuilt. However, I found the transcript below in the hard drive wreckage.

[sitting in the Widmer Brothers tasting room]

Abigail: Hey guys! Isn't this Widmer Brothers Hefeweizen delicious?
Issac: No diggity!
Gideon: But aren’t the Widmer Brothers are corporate sellouts? Seriously, do you really believe that there were *really* two Widmer Brothers? I’m just saying.
Abigail: Uuuhhh. Hefe. Yyyummm!
Gideon: Listen up friends. Try taking a journey by covered wagon PT Cruiser across 150 miles from this land of penultimate urban planning, through rivers and forests, to a new brewery at the forefront of the craft beer revolution.
Samuel: *burp*
Gideon: TRY!!!
Abigail: Do we have enough money for such a journey?
Gideon: You bet. Sam is a banker. He's loaded. [checks Sam's wallet]. He's got like sixteen hundred dollars in there.
Abigail: And speaking of loaded, I’ve got a gun in my purse.
Issac: What?
Samuel: Whoows drvving?
Gideon: Bobbi-Xtina! Close out, we are hitting the road!

Miles traveled: 0.5 miles

[Not one minute into the journey]
Samuel needs to stop and make water.

Gideon: Doggoneit Sam. We'll stop up here at Matt's General Store. Anybody need anything?

Gideon filled the car up with gas.
Bobbi-Xtina got a few packs of Blue Ox Jerky, Airheads, Pizza flavored Combos, and several Code Red Mountain Dews.
Samuel picked up a "Keep Portland Beered" shirt.
Abigail came from the woods carrying a rabbit and a squirrel carcass.

Some Hippie: What is the gas mileage of that Cruiser, man?
Samuel: Whthh that trribal titoo mean, man?
Some Hippie: That grass is inadequate, man.

The group gets in the wagon.

Miles traveled: .07 miles

[Before crossing Willamette River]
Bobbi-Xtina gets a stomach ache.

Miles traveled: 10 miles

The PT Cruiser hits something.

Gideon: Everyone OK?
Samuel: Thereth two of evvything.

Miles traveled: 20 miles

Abigail: What are the symptoms of cholera?

[from Bobbi-Xtina’s Droid phone]
The primary symptoms of cholera are profuse painless diarrhea and vomiting of clear fluid. These symptoms usually start suddenly, one to five days after ingestion of the bacteria. The diarrhea is frequently described as "rice water" in nature and may have a fishy odor. An untreated person with cholera may produce 10-20 liters of diarrhea a day with fatal results. For every symptomatic person there are 3 to 100 people who get the infection but remain asymptomatic.

Abigail may have cholera.

The group stops at the nearest rest station in Idiotville.

[Seriously, there is an Idiotville, OR.]

The group takes a 30 minute break.

Sensing that the Issac was opening up a big can of quit, Gideon insists everyone get back in the Cruiser and continue the journey. Abigail comes out of the woods after a bathroom break with a deer carcass.

The weather is warm, the group has plenty of food, and no one is dead yet.

Miles traveled: 60 miles

Gideon gets a speeding ticket.

Officer Louie: Be careful not to hit that Cruiser's pedal too hard! You can keep moving on your way, but set your cruise control at a fair pace. Do I smell alcohol? If you keep driving too fast you'll all end up spending a night in the drink tank.

Samuel: Lame.
Bobbi-Xtina: Oooh, look. A roadside gravestone!
Gideon: Don’t get out of the... ugh. Alright.
Gravestone: "Here lies andy. peperony and chease"
Gideon: What the? Seriously, get back in the Cruiser."

Miles traveled: 86 miles

Samuel: Oooo, llllook! Werrrr closse to Tillamahoo, Tillmooo, Tilllllaamahooo...
Gideon: Tillamook. They make the best cheddar. I want to make a bed out of that stuff and sleep on it.

Bobbi-Xtina buys 186 lbs of cheese, but can only carry 100lbs back to the car.

Creepy Scout in the Tillamook parking lot: The game is still plentiful along here, but gettin' harder to find. With so many overlanders, I don't expect it to last more'n a few years. Folks shoot the game for sport, take a small piece, and let the rest rot in the sun."
Gideon: Ooooh-kay.
[The group rushes back to the Cruiser.]

Abigail: Where are my rabbits?
Gideon: Drat! Someone stole half our stuff! And our spare tire. What is wrong with people?!
Abigail: I thought we left the crazies back in Portland?
Gideon: It's kind of hot.

Gideon may have cholera.

Miles traveled: 114 miles

The PT Cruiser gets a flat tire.

Gideon: What are the chances someone would steal our spare tire and then we’d get a flat tire?
Bobbi-Xtina: ...and that there would be an abandoned PT Cruiser right over there?

Abigail gets a spare tire, a gas can, and some buffalo chips from the abandoned Cruiser.

Abigail: What are buffalo chips?

Bobbi-Xtina finds some wild fruit.

Abigail: Want to see a dead bear?
Gideon: I seriously hope that is a metaphor.
Samuel: I'm thirsty.

Miles traveled: 115 miles

The group stops at The Pelican Pub and Brewery and gets a round of India Pelican Ale.

Bar Person: Be warned, stranger. Don't drink the water! Drink only beer. As *burp* strong as the beer is -- it's better than the cholera! We buried my mate last week. Could use some help with this harness, if you can space the time.

Gideon: Guys! Cruiser! Now!
Samuel: Thrrthty

Bobbi-Xtina finds some wild fruit.

Bobbi-Xtina gets typhoid.

[from Bobbi-Xtina’s Droid phone]
Typhoid fever is characterized by a slowly progressive fever as high as 104°F, profuse sweating and gastroenteritis. Less commonly, a rash of flat, rose-colored spots may appear.

Bobbi-Xtina: Check that, I just need to roll down a window and lay off this wild fruit.

Bobbi-Xtina may have dysentery.

Gideon: When is the last time anyone saw Issac?

[Issac drowned in the Willamette River, but the team never noticed]

Miles traveled: 140 miles

Gideon: We have to be getting close. Right guys?

Gideon: Guys?

Runner Up: Deschutes Brewery (183)