Prior to my honeymoon in the Southern Caribbean near the turn of the millennium, I'm not sure I had ever tasted a rum punch. During the island tours, I quickly became accustomed – and fond – of this Caribbean staple. It seemed like no lunch, tour, swim, museum visit, or mountain hike started or finished (or started and finished) without being offered a glass. If I had known then that rum punch recipes were so divergent, I would have pressed a local for their secret.

"Classic" rum punch recipes range from having bitters, simple syrups, fruit punch, and/or sodas. I found many recipes that called for orange juice, but all of my iterations attempting to recreate the Southern Caribbean variation fell short. To be sure, the key ingredient is the use of high quality Caribbean dark rum. In my opinion, no better rum exists that the ones made at Mount Gay. Their rum is so good you could mix it in your Bacardi to make it taste better. My next major breakthrough came when I abandoned orange juice and instead used guava and mango nectars. Eureka! 

Many years removed, I honestly don't know how close this recipe is to that once familiar Southern Caribbean drink. My recipe is unique and tasteful though, so please enjoy my interpretation of the rum punch. 

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Southern Caribbean Rum Punch (Tribute)

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yield:
~½ pitcher

ingredients:
Punch:
2 11.3 oz cans guava nectar
1 11.3 oz can mango nectar
1 11.3 oz can "bartender's choice" nectar (any flavor; I suggest an orange blend, banana blend, or another mango)
1 6 oz can pineapple juice
2 tbsp lime juice
½ cup canned coconut cream (e.g. Coco Lopez), stir well before measuring

At serving:
Mount Gay Sugar Cane Rum (or other dark Caribbean rum)
Sweetened coconut flakes
Ground nutmeg
Lime wedge (optional)

preparation:
Combine coconut cream, pineapple juice, lime juice, and nectars in a blender (note: some of the nectars can be left out if pitcher is full). Blend until coconut is well mixed (several 2 second pulses should do it). Pour into a large pitcher. Add any remaining juices (if some were left out of the blender). Mix well. Serve or cover and refrigerate (can be prepared a day ahead).

serving:
Fill a 12 ounce glass with ice. Pour a shot of rum over the ice. Top the glass off with the punch mix and stir. Garnish with a pinch of coconut flakes, ground nutmeg, and a few drops of lime juice or a lime slice. Salud!

7/20/11 Update:

Recently in the Houston Press, esteemed food commenter "Bruce R" called these the Coors Light of tacos. Comparing my soft tacos to one of the best selling beers in the United States is an amazing honor. Thanks Bruce!! If commenters were news anchors, you'd be Isiah Carey.

Now that all the Corpse Flower mania has died down around here, I think I'm ready to deliver a follow-up to my smashing debut. But despite all the toiling with slumpbusters I've been doing recently, you should expect the inevitable sophomore slump.

Have I lowered your expectations enough? Let me be even more honest. This post almost never happened, because I seriously considered retiring after my first ever blog post.

My Spam® Crackle recipe got a mention on the definitive online source of Houston news and entertainment, The Houston Press, as well as gained the attention of Hormel's Spam® itself. I may be new to The Ferm team, but I think I've already vaulted Mr. Smokeypants, who filed a drunken live-blogging of an Astros game in his debut.

This rousing return to food blogging began a few weeks ago while I was destroying a T4 combo at the local Taco Bell/Long John Silver's franchise, which by the way goes together like money and bank. OMG, the taco is much, much greater than the sandwich! As I sporked up the last of my Mexican pizza covered in eight Fire packets I couldn't stop thinking how I'd love to find me a Latina mami that would make me delicious tacos every day. Mmmm, we'd get married, make little meximelts together, and raise them in some border town with "Nuevo" in the name. Aye, que rico!

I'm just saying, show me a great sandwich shop and I'll show you four taco trucks that are better. Plus, just try to put that corned beef with Russian dressing in your pocket. Case. Closed.

I knew my next (how you say) entrada en el blog had to be taco post.

Tacos... It's On!

Mimicking the course of my professional peers, I began by going to an expert for advice, which in this case was my Mexican friend. Readers, if you don't have a Mexican friend, get one. Seriously, what are you, racist? I also suggest having an Asian and a gay friend, but that is advice for another post. My friendo Mexicano suggested I keep it simple: Ground beef, onions, peppers, and cheese. This sounds right in my wheelhouse. Let's do this.

No fancy name this week. I'm calling this recipe Soft Tacos (partially because I don't know the Spanish word for "soft").

You are going to need this stuff:

• 1 lb Ground Beef
  Select the percentage of fat based on your own percentage of fat. Note that the grocery never sells ground beef in 1 lb packages... feather puffers.
• 1 Large Sweet Onion
  Or anything round-ish and labeled onion in the produce section.
• 1 Bell Pepper
  If have a favorite color, go with that one.
• 1 Garlic clove
  I'm assuming clove means a piece. Right? What I'm saying here is don't use the whole garlic. Pop off a chunk, wrestle it out of the skin, and use that piece.
• 2 Serrano Peppers
  Or any pepper if you want to be adventurous. Or, don't bother using peppers… that is if you are a wusslepuff. Heat Scale: 0 serranos = I'm a pansy, 1 serrano = I like tasty heat, 2 serranos = I like to feel a little burn, Any combination with seeds = clown posse crazy.
  

You will also need this stuff:

• Corn Tortillas
  Yellow corn tortillas. White corn tortillas are for fouchebags.
• Cheese, shredded
  I'm going to say Cheddar here, mostly because I cannot pronounce most other cheeses, and if I can't pronounce it, I don't trust it. Just saying. And don't buy that pre-shredded stuff guys.
• Sour Cream
  You know what is awesome about sour cream? It almost literally can't go bad. It's already soured y'all!
• Louisiana Hot Sauce
  Correction, one drop does *not* do it.

STEP 1: Chop Chop.
How are your chopping skeelz? You'll know after taking care of these vegetables. If you've been using the results of that ARD you had in 4^th grade as an excuse to stay out of the kitchen, then consider utilizing some chopping tools that include safeties. Better safe than bloody. That's what I always say.

STEP 2: Sauté the Vegetables.
Does the word sauté scare you a bit? Don't sweat it. Let me hold your hand. Toss some oil (1 tbsp) or butter in a pan, set the heat at mid to mid-high, transfer your veggies to the (preheated) pan, sprinkle some salt on top, and give those guys an occasional stir. Keep this going until they all look soft (these aren't crunchy tacos, amigos). Once your onions and peppers look good (~10 minutes), pitch in your garlic and peppers (1 minute). Stir into the veggie mixture and grab your meat.

STEP 3: Brown the Beef
Assuming your meat is pretty fresh or you didn't buy it at that grocery store chain that rhymes with a giant who likes to eat human beings (hint: think Shrek), your next step is to make your beef brown. Shove your veggies to one side of the pan and chuck that meat in there. Did you salt and pepper your beef? You should have. Don't you watch the Food Network? Use your cooking utensil to break that meat ball up, and then start mixing in the veggies. After everything looks sufficiently happy and you've neutralized all the e coli your butcher tried to kill you with, turn your heat down to low and let's go get those tortillas ready.

STEP 4: Prep the Tortillas
If your Mexican friend is as smart as my Mexican friend, he would have told you that dipping the corn tortillas in hot oil is the way to go. And if you are reading this post, I'm guessing you probably make pretty good use of your microwave already. Let it rest tonight. Dipping the tortilla in hot oil softens it, but the oil also helps keep the fragile tortilla from breaking. Genius. More fat! That is why his people will take over the world in the not so distant future… that and their strict code of tacos before gringos.

Pour an eighth to a quarter inch of oil into a small frying pan, and turn the heat up to medium-high to high. When the oil is hot but not smoking like an Indonesian baby, carefully dip each tortilla into the oil (with tongs, not your fingers). When the tortilla begins to puff up a little, flip and wait a few moments, then take it out and lay it on a paper towel. Don't keep it in the oil for too long or you'll be having tostadas tonight. Repeat for the rest of your tortillas.

STEP 5: Assemble the Taco
You've made it this far, now follow these steps to success.

1. Line up 3 tortillas on a plate
2. Scoop the beef mixture in each one
3. Douse with Louisiana Sauce
4. Sprinkle cheese on top
5. Add a dollop of sour cream to each taco

As I'm typing this very sentence, I know what you are saying to yourself. It is almost as if I'm sitting right behind to you and we are exchanging thoughts by means of a Vulcan mind-meld. You are thinking, "I didn't make the Spam® Crackles, and I'm not making these tacos." Relax, open a Tuesday wine, and let this FAQ ease your reservations.



The Aimless Chef's Soft Taco FAQ:


Uh-Uh mijo. ¿Are jue keeding me?
These tacos are good, senor. Sure, they certainly aren't my future Latina mami's tacos, but I'm super styked at the results. So while mi amor is all deeply rooted in tradition and probably laughing at my dish with that sexy Latin accent, I'm not ashamed of my soft tacos. Plus, I think it is good for lovers to have some differences anyway. For example, I'm not really in to cleaning.

Tacos are all about the garnish. Where the heck is the garnish?
When I prepared the dish for this post, I invited my Mexican friend, Asian friend, and gay friend over for taco night. Only my amigo showed up. Whatev dip switches. So my new best buddy says something like, "You forgot the bell pepper, homes!" Not so fast my amigo, I chopped it up and put them up in the meat. Did I make a mistake? I prefer to call it a trivial alteration, or more self-righteously, a revolutionary discovery. Yeah, my head is enormous, but it's not nice to make fun of someone's literal or figurative appearance. What's next?

¿¡Louisiana Hot Sauce!? Gringos *sigh*
Put down your chilies chicos, Louisiana Hot Sauce goes with these soft tacos just like those little Jack in a Box sauce packets pair exquisitely with their tacos. Don't question. Just put it on there. ¡Mira! I'm white and grew up in burbs of Houston, TX. Louisiana sauce is like my gravy. And "gringo" means foreigner anyway, so who is the gingo in my casa, eh? Usted.


On second thought, I'm starting to think this mind-meld FAQ section was a really bad idea. All I'm trying to say is that these soft tacos are something between good and life changing.

Remember that moment in the mid-nineties when you heard Stone Temple Pilots' Interstate Love Song on the radio and it changed your whole outlook on love?

These are the Interstate Love Song of soft tacos.

Ladies, I'm single, leave your digits in the comment section. Good appetite my amigas. ¡Coma Usted!

Hello! Welcome to my exciting blog series of recipes that you probably haven't thought of before. Prepare to embark on a marvelous journey through the world of brazen combinations of common foods without leaving the comfort of your home. If reading recipes, grocery shopping, or preheating the oven isn't your proverbial cup of tea, then I feel you buddies. I'm pretty sure I had measuring spoons at one point, but when I think about it, I haven't cooked anything that needed that kind of precision since I got mixed up with the wrong crowd in college. (Parents: Who your kid draws as a roommate in college makes a difference!)

I'm not sure what is required for a blogger introduction, but let's skip lame introductions for the moment. I already have to worry about my Facebook profile being published without my consent. Plus, someday I'll be able to post a FAQ with all the questions that I imagine all you glass souls are thinking in your head.

Not being super skilled with the vocabulary or this blogging platform, I'll try to give you guys pictures in lieu of excessive wordage in these columns. And if you have any questions… tough kiddies. Eat wit and pie!
(The Aimless Chef is just playing, readers. If you haven't noticed, my sense of humor often gets mistook for d-baggery, but I am unapologetic, just like my insane/asinine recipes. And if you think about it, what is worse: This here column of delicious nonsense or the insufferably dull crap going on at the blog of that free paper you pick up at the bus stop?)

Enough about me...

Today I bring you something that is sure to amuse your bouche. I call these Fire Crackles.

You are going to need this stuff:

• Can of Spam
  It's pork shoulder and ham y'all!
  
• Bag of Ruffles
  How was "Ruffles have ridges" ever an effective marketing campaign? What is wrong with people?!
  
• Ketchup/Catsup
  America… English language experts… Can we agree on a single spelling and go forward? It is the twenty first century for diced sake.
  
• Tabasco
  A sauce so important that I was taught it in my Louisiana History class in Middle School.

STEP 1: Pop the top on the Spam.

Oh, the sound of the Spam coming out is unique and wonderful.

STEP 2: Slice the Spam.

Cut the loaf in half crosswise from the top. Rotate the two pieces to lay lengthwise on the cutting board and slice these crosswise. Don't sweat the size, just don't make it too thin or too thick. I ended up with 20 square-ish Spam pieces.

STEP 3: Pan fry the Spam.

Raw Spam tastes like crap. You need to cook this stuff. Find a pan and (if you are like me) clean it. Spray the pan with Pam, toss some butter in there, or drop a little oil in the pan if you want. I used half a cap full of veggie oil. Flip your stove's knob to something between full blast and halfway. Lay your Spam slices down and brown both sides (1-2 minutes per side depending on your heat). Be sure to get a good crust on the slices. When you start to see the edges dry up, they are getting close. My pan fit 10 slices, so I cooked the Spam in two batches.

STEP 4: Lay out your Ruffles.

Give all the chips a healthy few dashes of Tabasco.

STEP 5: Assemble Fire Crackles.

Lay Spam slice on each chip.

STEP 6: Garnish!

Garnish is normally for haughty food freaks. In fact, garnish and Spam may not ever have been put in the same sentence. Show some pride and blob a bit of ketchup on top of each of these. If you want to take it up another notch, dash some more Tabasco on top (The Aimless Chef suggests Chipotle Tabasco). Whatever you do, don't be condiment a snob. The sweetness of the Ketchup is essential to this recipe.

A meal this special deserves a great beer. I went to my beer fridge and pulled a Saint Arnold Divine Reserve 3 (Double IPA) from my lagering shelf. Something bold and hoppy will pair nicely with Fire Crackles.

Six simple steps, that's all you need. Six simple steps and you will succeed. Good appetite my friends.

Peep this how I freaked that in the slide show below, yo.