That commanding bravado and furrowed brow. Those quarterback-tailored pantsuits and withering put-downs. Bea Arthur was quite possibly Chuck Norris’s alter lady-ego. Her career was packed full of geeky gems like Airheads, The Star Wars Holiday Special, and Futurama. She’s even the namesake for one ultra-classy mixed drink:

Bea Arthur's Underpants
10 oz. Mountain Dew
2 oz. Vodka
1 can Beer
dash Honey

Bea, on account of endless late-night syndicated Golden Girl episodes, you shall be remembered for generations. Thank you for being a friend.

Editor's note: Be sure to check out Part 2 and Part 3 of this investigation

I considered doing a full investigation before going to print, but thought some blog-o-sphere, I mean theferm.org fan interaction might give me some ideas into my next pursuit.

TheFerm enjoys a ballgame at Minute Maid park as much if not more than the next baseball fan. TheFerm is also aware the beer prices are exorbitant at ball parks, but it's just part of the experience. It didn't take me long to do the math and realize that my ticket is usually around $20, my beer tab, should I go for round 3, will almost always exceed that.

Because the beer price can be so high at ballparks, many of the beer loving crowd are forced to do a little more math than usual to find the best deal. It's not completely dissimilar to the economy...when things are a bit out of whack, time to think before we spend.

It started on Opening Day of this year. Three "partners" of "TheFerm" wandered into the ballpark, and were excited that the largest Houston Craft Brew (St. Arnold) was rumored to be more prevalent throughout the ballpark. While I personally partook of a pregame special at Larry's Big Bamboo (more in a minute), one of our crew grabbed a St. Arnold in the upper level (only stand up there). For $10, he received a pretty tall pour of St. Arnold Amber. Seemed steep, but it was a National Holiday (Opening Day should be a National Holiday).

At a future game, it was realized that there are $8 St. Arnold DRAFT pours in the lower level, but in another (specialized w/ St. Arnold on the side) sized cup. It was not immediately clear which size was bigger. Hmmm. I absconded with various cups to my personal research lab for further testing.

It was discovered that the $10 was 23 ounces, the $8 was 20 oz. As a point of reference, the 23 ounce size UPSTAIRS appears to be $9 for Shock Top, Drop Top, and Landshark (these brews explicitly boycotted by The Ferm, FYI). Two Ferm partners also recall that last year St. Arnold was $6.75 for a 12 oz. bottle pour, and it has been reported that a draft pour of Bud/Miller is $7.50 for what is believed to be the 23 ounce size. In what is also a shocker, I later received a 23 oz. pour of Sam Adams (cup actually used to verify draft size), which was next to the Shock Top and Drop Top (DOWNSTAIRS) for only $8. At this point, I believe Minute Maid park as a direct price discrepancy b/w the upper deck and lower deck (Various Tops = $8 down, $9 up). Bottles run $7.75, I do not recall if they are 16 ounce or 20 ounce. I believe 16 oz. Upstairs for $9, a 24 oz. Bud can was also being purchase, assume Miller/Coors the same.

The aforementioned Larry's Big Bamboo runs a $3.75 pregame special, again the cup size is in question, but it is believed to be 12 oz. (keg cup, but not those really puny ones). During the 2005 World Series, there was a mug special for $10, turns out to be a measured 24 oz.

So how does all this stack up? Let's measure all beer in CPMMO, Cents per Minute Maid Ounce.

Italics = No longer available

31 CPMMO: Ziegenbock/Bud/Miller at Larry's Big Bamboo if 12 oz. cup - pregame only
32 CPMMO: Bud/Miller draft (all concession stands)
35 CPMMO: Sam/Shock/Drop Top/Shiner(?) downstairs
38 CPMMO: Bud/Miller 24 oz. cans (at Larry's Little Bamboo upstairs, maybe other places)
38 CPMMO: Ziegenbock/Bud/Miller at Larry's Big Bamboo if 10 oz. cup - pregame only
39 CPMMO: Bud/Miller/Coors plastic bottles if 20 oz.
40 CPMMO: St. Arnold in 20 oz cup
42 CPMMO: 2005 World Series Mug* (Bud/Miller draft)
43 CPMMO: St. Arnold in 23 oz. cup
48 CPMMO: Bud/Miller/Coors plastic bottles if 16 oz.
56 CPMMO:: St. Arnold in 12 oz. bottle poured into cup

* Mug was collectable, retail value at least $2, knocking price down to 33 CPMMO.

Top Secret photos from J.R. Ewing's Lab:

L. to R.: 23 oz, 20 oz (St. Arnold only), 2005 World Series special 24 oz.

Further research to take place.
Top 5 list of things to be determined:
1) Size of pregame special draft at Larry's Big Bamboo.
2) Size of $7.75 bottles distributed by beer guys around stadium (might be 16 oz, making it one of the worst values in the stadium).
3) Verification of upstairs vs. downstairs pricing scheme
4) Any different deals in Lefty's Pub
5) Investigation of beer options not discovered as of yet.

In other shenanigan news, during this investigation, there was a large, dare I say HUGE discrepancy in line length for beer. The one and only premium beer stand upstairs (Larry's Little Bamboo) had a constant line of 1+ innings. I was frustrated to wait and only find people ordering Bud 24 ouncers (at one point the lady ran out and the whole line was stuck until she could get more Bud to the people). After two passes on this line, I went downstairs and realized that the special Bud stands down there were overrun BUT the premium stands were walk right up. A few snapshots (none of these staged, it was like this the whole game).

If anyone can see what I'm waiting for in this line let me know!

Ahhh, this is a line more my speed

I encourage TheFerm followers to post suggestions for follow up work. Also, if you live in another baseball market, please offer some price comps. Is the Minute Maid ~$8 average price as ridiculous as we think? What about Wrigley? Yankee? Fenway? Or how about the smaller markets (come on, can KC charge more than $6 with a straight face to the 8K fans that bother to show up)? I have been constantly frustrated that the Houston Aeros minor league hockey club seems to have the same pricing scheme of the Houston Rockets very major league basketball club...come one, I'm not paying $8 for a beer at a minor league hockey game. But that's another blog for another day.

So I'm hoping that everyone will go out, buy a Subway sandwich, pour a pint of their favorite beer, and watch the Chuck season finale tonight. If you are a fan, then I don’t need to tell you how important it is to support this really kick-butt show. I know SirRon and I plan to do what we can to support Chuck.

We’ve been told that NBC hasn’t outright canceled the show but it is on the bubble. If you do go to Subway anytime today please drop a comment card saying you support the show and you hope to see another season (why Subway? they are a major sponsor of the show). Can't find a comment card, no worries... everything is online these days.

This is what I propose: Tonight while eating your sandwich, right when the first commercial break starts, let us all toast Chuck!

While you are at it, grab your laptop and follow the cause on Twitter (@savechuck) and sign the petition.

Cheers!

Regardless of political affiliation, you *have* to agree that global warming is actually happening. Al Gore said so in that movie that was based loosely on his book that was actually the result of his work as a young college researcher.

United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) also issued a *huge* scientific report summarizing climate change a few years back.

Key findings included:

• "Warming of the climate system is unequivocal."
• "Most of the observed increase in global average temperatures since the mid-20th century is very likely due to the observed increase in anthropogenic greenhouse gas concentrations."

And this:

• It is "likely" -- "more likely than not" in some cases -- that man made greenhouse gases have contributed to hotter days and nights, and more of them; more killer heat waves than before; heavier rainfall more often, major droughts in more regions, stronger and more frequent cyclones and "increased incidence" of extremely high sea levels.

Well if it is perhaps pretty much maybe possibly happening or not happening, I think we all know what we need to do.

Drink more Sierra Nevada and wait for our government to figure all this stuff out for us.
(I read today that Sierra Nevada has installed charging stations for plug-in vehicles. Sweet! Where do I plug in my Tahoe?)

Personally, I like driving sports cars and SUV's, my house to be 70F and dry, I watch three TVs simultaneously, and I own 4 refrigerators. But I'm glad our elected leaders are working on saving the environment despite my enormous footprint.

An Inconvenient Brew-th

Reps. Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) and Ed Markey (D-Mass.) are currently drafting a bill for people like me... oh and to meet President Obama's environmental agenda. The aptly named Waxman-Markey bill is being vigorously negotiated at the moment around Washington. And although Waxman and Markey probably are burning the midnight oil to save our Earth in the name of the U S of A, everyone has to take a day of rest every once and a while. While I appreciate the man's work, I think Markey might have hit the sauce a little hard the night before giving this quote to the media:

"It's difficult to measure the impact such an educational set of hearings can have on the cerebral mechanisms of open-minded members of Congress, so I just think it would be premature to have a whipping system be put in place as all the fermentation of these new ideas are now percolating, especially through the staffs as they over the weekend begin to digest the new ideas."

What do *you* think was on Markey's mind besides ending global warming? Sounds to me like he may have given that quote with that morning hangover where you are still a bit buzzed from the previous night. As a cover, he just overcompensates with some psuedo-intellectual word muddles. Don't worry man, I understand it's hard to find a good menudo in DC. Maybe he was just feeling a little tipsy after reading K-dub's blog and Twitter posts here at The Ferm.

Mr. Officer, it is "likely" -- "more likely than not" in some cases -- that I may or may not have had 1 or 15 drinks, which contributed to the knotty vehicular administration and unintentional curbulation and possibly more of them.

Just sayin'.

Toasting. It marks the best part of any drink -- a full glass. It’s what sets happy hour apart from a coffee break. It’s been practiced since the beginning of time. And, you can’t argue with that kind of tradition.

The guys at The Ferm are notorious toast’ers. These toasts tend to be a bit long-winded, but always unforgettable. Riddled with inside jokes and Nintendo references and even a rap –- the bar for these pseudo-planned, man-love declarations has been set pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty* high.

My dad’s got one solid toast for all occasions –- “To us.” This European guy at work prefers “Cin Cin.” But, neither felt right for the blog. So, here’s to cellar temperature wine, beer out of the tap, and short blog posts. Cheers!

*Curb Your Enthusiasm, silly. I bet Larry David gives a wicked toast.

Countdown is a list of news items, videos, or just ruminations that involve imbibing or are just more entertaining with an adult beverage. After all, life is life, but talking about it with a drink makes it more interesting. Feel free to sound off on any of the topics in the comment section.

5) Get busy, It's Your Earth Day!
Yesterday was El Dia de la Tierra folks, which means it's either time to recycle for one day or contend that global warming is a hoax. I'd rather sit back and watch the debate with a cold beer (it's hotter than ever outside!).

But what is that beer's footprint? According to an article in The Daily Campus not listing its source (but if it comes from The Daily Campus, you know it has to be true), "the amount of water required to brew one keg of beer can be as much as 232 gallons." Now I don't have a calculator, but if 15.5 gallons are in a keg, then that is like 14.967742 times the amount of water in the final product! Shocked yet? Relax... breathe... and drink up... Wine is worse, but even wine is not as big of a water hog as beef, apples, or soybeans.

If you are asking, "SirRon, I'm a yuppie Smart Car driving suburbanite. What should I drink?" I suggest having a Fat Tire. The employee owned New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins, CO has been wind powered since 1999. The brewery also collects its wastewater instead of sending it down the drain and off to the local wastewater plant. Instead, they add an anaerobic digester to the wastewater, which breaks down the organic matter and gives off methane. That methane is then captured and used to fuel an engine that creates electricity for the brewery. But wait, there is more! The waste heat from turning methane to electricity is then captured to make hot water that is used as heating in brewery. How about *that* for being miles from ordinary? That's cogeneration folks. Take that Corona!

I can brag on New Belgium because I got a chance to visit on a detour from GABF. As innovative as they are, NB has nothing on craft beer pioneer Sierra Nevada's green efforts... but enough nerd talk.

4) Nice Lamp Stamp
Just kidding on the nerd talk. Want a reminder that there are people working on things much cooler than your work? The folks at the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York are developing nanotubes that are flexible and thin enough to be placed under the skin. The "nano skins" are low power and can receive data wirelessly (can you say endless tattoo possibilities?). Somewhere there is a girl who got a drunk tat of "Klye" on her lower back who now realizes her children will not have to go through the same embarrassment as their mother.

After you are done reading everything on at theferm.org, swing on over to the Philips website to see a super creepy video of electronic tattoo possibilities.

Hey, I said *after* you finished reading everything!

3) Long Island Iced Tea Party
Your drinking habits are going to probably cost you a little extra in the future. Several states are simultaneously jumping on the bandwagon and raising taxes on alcoholic beverages. New York is raising taxes fairly modestly, amounting to just pennies more per bottle of wine or six pack of beer. However, this "floor tax" will be applied to the stocks of wholesalers and retailer. Expect your liquor store to start carrying a lot less in the future... and New Joisey liquor stores to start getting more business. Nice one yanks.

Oregon is also looking to raise beer their taxes. Recent legislation will tax beer sold in Oregon from effectively less than a penny a glass to $0.15 (hey, that better be a fair pint pour!). The state expects $165M per year to be collected from the 1,900% tax hike. Why do 61% of Oregonians favor the tax? Because the tax will allow the funding of alcohol, drug crisis, and suicide prevention programs... how can you say no to that? I have no official comment, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The Oregon Partnership (whoever they are), recently circulated a news release with their propaganda. I found the quote below rather interesting:

"It's about time the national and international companies that sell their beer in Oregon need to pay their fair share of the $3 billion a year for alcohol-related crime, violence, lost productivity and health costs," says Pete Schulberg. Communications Director of Oregon Partnership. "Guess who's been paying for it up to now? Oregon Taxpayers, that's who."

$3 billion dollars!? Is it too much to ask for a list of data and/or assumptions for that calculation? Since, according to the OP, 90% of the tax will be coming from breweries outside Oregon, I guess the B-M-C evil empire will be the ones saving the lives of troubled Oregonians (since they control most of the beer market anyway). I suppose I can live with that.

2) Do These Beer Goggles Make My Face Look Fat?
In "I'm glad my tax dollars didn't pay for that" news, a recent UK study discredits the beer goggle defense... at least when it comes to underage and "mature" faces (I saying guess "old" is passé). Thank you Professor Vince Egan of the University of Leicester for your dedicated research.

"We found that while alcohol consumption significantly inflated attractiveness ratings for participants looking at sexually mature faces with high levels of make-up, greater alcohol consumption itself did not lead to overestimation of age," said professor Egan. "Consumed alcohol had no effect on men estimating the age of either mature or immature faces."

I thought the beer goggle hypothesis had already become a theory or a law based on a thorough study in 2003 by some other bleeding edge researcher.

I'm happily married so I'll just roll with whatever the expert-o-the-day is saying. My problem has always been how attractive those shots look after 6 pints.

1) I Got My Mind on My Vino and My Vino on My Mind
Maureen Ogle, please read this! Having trouble understanding the fundamental differences in artisanal cheese maker and Velveeta? Certainly Velveeta could make artisanal cheeses, but why don't they? Conversely, doesn't Jane Cheesemaker want to be Velveeta? I had to listen to you and Ben Stein derail a near dream team beer panel during Beer Wars, so you should have to commit a few minutes to The Ferm's thoughts.

The intra-industry Little Guy/Big Guy dynamic can be seen in a recent NYT piece. Eric Asimov recently posted a great profile of Randall Grahm, owner of Bonny Doon Vineyards. Mr. Grahm started small in 1983, but quickly grew his business by making mass market wines. Being a true winemaker who appreciates the craft of both growing grapes and crafting wines, he recently took a sharp detour on the road to become "The Man." Rather than follow the dollar at the expense of the product, he chose to sell significant parts of his company and scale back. "Instead of being a great marketer," he wants to make wines that are distinctive and unusual. Bravo!

Sorry to pile on Beer Wars again, but this point was misrepresented in the portrayals of Sam Calagione and Greg Koch in the movie and live panel. These guys are brewers first... marketers second. Ugh, don't get me started.

While I rant (off keyboard), be sure to read NYT's curiously wine-centric "drinking blog" for the great profile piece on Randall Grahm. It's a good read on an important figure, but unknown face to most of the public, in the wine making industry.

So there I was, in Austin loading up on a bus getting ready to roll out to Gruene Hall in Gruene, Texas for the annual Jerry Jeff Walker Birthday Bash. So I knew I was up against the wall redneck mother when it came to a better beer selection in Gruene. Pretty much what you get is the generic BMC products, Lone Star and Shiner.


I knew that I was in for a Shiner and Miller kind of night, especially since my consumption day began at 11am. Not to mention that Bud Light sucks and excessive Budweiser results in a super bad hangover. Jerry Jeff's B-day bash day would result in a 15 beer kind of day, and I knew that going in.

I often find myself in these kind of situations and wonder if other who have a taste for finer fermented beverages live through this as well. It has to happen, I can't be alone, but I feel like it sometimes.

A primary reason that I tolerate these types of situations is because I want to have a good time with friends and family. A secondary reason is that if I have crappy beers I can pretty much drink for a long time, if I drink good beers it's only for a few hours. Those craft, full-flavored brews pack a punch and can result in a buzz that results in me passing out very quickly.

So what's your take, what would you do? Holla at cha boy.

Beverage consumption choices are many, and sometimes you just have to drink bottled horse urine because of poor selection. Fear not though, hopefully no one will judge you negatively.

If you haven't seen an NFL mock draft in the past few weeks, then your life has been void of news media (when did Mel Kiper turn into Tom Cruise in Minority Report?!). Every dude with access to Google and the "Ctrl", "C", and "V" keys on his keyboard can pretend to be an expert and post a mock draft.

While we have some serious football fans at The Ferm, we have no interest in joining the NFL mock draft industry. Instead, we are going to do our own spin on the mock draft and hold an anything drinking-related draft.

Ever wanted to hold the rights to a brew kettle, the wine cork, or beechwood aging? Your board of prospects could be nearly endless.

Below are some ground rules:

• The draft will be three rounds (format is top to bottom, top to bottom -- not snake).
  
• You can draft anything drinking related, regardless how obvious or obscure.
• Anything you draft will be off the board for the following 2 drafts (assuming we keep this up in the future).
• The draft order will be determined at random at a future date.
  

At the moment, we have six members of The Ferm. I am willing to open up at least another six spots for guest picks. The first six guests to leave a comment on this post will claim a spot. We may add a few more spots before the draft date, but we'll see how it goes. Picks will be made via email or twitter. I'll send the plan to the participants before the draft.

In the interim, firm up your draft boards by bringing some things for private workouts. I've shuffled my board several times already. Some things that I thought were high prospects lost their 1st round grade after the workout.

If you have an question or suggestion, leave it in the comment section.

Disclaimer: I'm afriad can't take total credit for this idea. I totally ripped it from 1560 The Game's genius spur of the moment Seinfeldian mock draft held last year. *sigh* I should also mention that The Ferm's version wasn't my idea either... that is credited to TwoPints. Well done guys... I owe you a beer.

I'll be the first to admit, I'm a wine novice. I like it, but I have trouble categorizing exactly what I like. I don't like Sauvignon Blanc, it gave me a hangover once. White Zins bore me. Cabernet Sauvignon is a bit too red. But other than that, I'm game. I play it by the book when it comes to wine/food pairings.

In my naivety, I like wines from all over the world...Francie, Italy, Cali, Chile, Aussie,...and Maui. Took a trip to Maui (for obvious reasons) a few years ago, and per a coworker recommendation, stopped by a local winery for the daily tour. What kind of grapes to they grow there? None. It's pineapple wine. Why not?

The winery is everything you'd want in term of experience. It's 2000 feet up toward Haleakala National Park. You might think of Hawaii's beaches as the signature terrain, but at 10,000 feet, Haleakala stretches 1000+ feet higher than the highest point in Texas (peak usually not visible from shore b/c of clouds). But the drive up is picturesque to say the least, not often you feel the need to pull over every mile or so for yet another breathtaking view of the shore. There's a nice grocery store nearby to grab some lunch, it came highly recommended to grab something for the winery on-site picnic tables to enjoy with some of the wine samples. More on that in a minute.

The layout of the winery was as beautiful (as one would expect in the foothills of an isle like Maui) and the tour was appropriate in length and detail.

Random winery tank

Unfortunately, the tasting room was a distance from the picnic tables and it wasn't exactly easy to enjoy a shotglass sample with the box lunch. We should have popped our purchased wine on site (can't remember if that was legally an option) but in any event, it seemed anticlimactic to enjoy a nice sandwich lunch in the garden under the oak tree at a beautiful winery with a breathtaking view of the southeast shore with everything rain-kissed green in every direction you looked (in the perpetual 80 degree weather) without sipping on a glass of the Maui wine!




The view from the winery ain't bad

As for a wine review, we stuck with a white, the Maui Blanc. All samples were good, we just weren't enough of wine people to go past the samples on the rest. The Blanc was fruity and tasty and not too dry. While buying wine from the winery is a nice gesture and in the spirit of free tours, the bottles are widely available for a more competitive price at any local grocery store on the island.

As an aside, there is a beautiful Botanical Garden (Kula) on the drive up or back depending on your route. A well spent small fee for a great sample of local flora.

I entered the theater tonight hoping to see an attack on The Man during the groundbreaking mega-event, Beer Wars: Brewed in America. What did I learn? 1. It turns out I did not need to get out to the theater early, 2. The film was centered on a non-brewer trying to market a light beer with caffeine, and most importantly 3. Marketing *is* everything.

Beer Wars? More Like Beer Snores!
Biiiieeeeeeetshh Pleeease.

I'll avoid hitting the obvious gripes in detail (film shown as a live event only, film shown in big theaters only... hello, The Man!, film hardly touched on small brewers, film was a pricey $15, Ben Stein was kind of ill-mannered and ignorant of craft brewing). Not that these gripes are not without merit, I just think they will start to seem repetitive. In fact, after the movie I dropped by the Beer Wars official website and noticed that filmmaker Anat Baron had made a preemptive strike on these common gripes before this event even happened. hrrrmmmm...

This is a movie that needed to be made. Someone needed to champion the small guys in the brewing business and expose the gangster-like distributors (if I hear "3 tier system" one more time though!) and the evil Anheuser Busch. Seriously, I do not want to ever drink an A-B related beverage again. If The Man had a Man, A-B would be The Man's Man.

I hereby announce TheFerm's boycott of the following products:

(begin section that you will probably want to just scroll past)
Budweiser, Bud Light, Budweiser Select, Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Ice, Bud Ice Light, Budweiser Brewmaster's Private Reserve, Bud Light Lime, Budweiser & Clamato Chelada, Bud Light & Clamato Chelada, Bud Extra, Michelob, Michelob Light, Michelob Honey Lager, Michelob AmberBock, Michelob Golden Draft, Michelob Golden Draft Light, Michelob Bavarian Wheat, Michelob Porter, Michelob Pale Ale, Michelob Dunkel Weisse, Michelob Ultra, Michelob Ultra Amber, Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus, Michelob Ultra Pomegranate Raspberry, Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit, Busch, Busch Light, Busch Ice, Rolling Rock, Rolling Rock Green Light, Rock Light, Natural Light, Natural Ice, Bud Extra, Bare Knuckle Stout, Anheuser World Lager, ZiegenBock, Ascent 54, Redbridge, Landshark Lager, Shock Top, Skipjack Amber Lager, Wild Blue, Sun Dog, Beach Bum Blonde Ale, Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale, Winter's Bourbon Cask Ale, O'Doul's, O'Doul's Amber, Busch NA, Budweiser NA, Budweiser NA Green Apple, 180 Blue, 180 Sport Drink, 180 Energy, 180 Red, 180 Blue Low Calorie, 180 Sugar Free, Stone Mill Pale Ale, Wild Hop Lager, Bacardi SilverPeels, Tequiza, Tilt, Jekyll & Hyde, Bluecoat Vodka, Cape North, Hammer and Sickle Vodka, Ku Soju, Margarittaville Tequila, Purus Organic Wheat Vodka, Vermont Spirits, Hurricane malt liquor, Hurricane Ice, King Cobra, Red Hook Brewing, Widmer Bros Brewing, Goose Island Beer Co., Kona Brewing Company, Ray Hill American Pilsner, Starr Hill Brewing, Fordham Brewing, Dominion Brewing, Harbin Lager, Tiger Beer, Kirin, Bass Ale, Boddingtons, Beck's, Hoegaarden, Leffe, Stella Artois, Löwenbräu, Tennent's Ale, Budvar Czechvar, Borba Skin Balance Water, Monster Energy, Lost Energy, Rumba Energy, Icelandic Glacial Spring Water
(end section that you will probably want to scroll past)

That was painful.

So as a beer lover, homebrewer, small brewery investor, and beer blogger, who do I want as the champion of my cause? No freakin' brainer. A Canadian ex-corporate-type, TV filmmaker, and previous General Manager for Mike's Hard Lemonade... of course. Who were *you* thinking? Our filmmaker also happens to be allergic to alcohol. Great.

Beer Wars may be Anat Baron's first documentary film, but that shouldn't be cause for concern. Ms. Baron has a lot of passion, and the film did a very good job of exposing her passion... that passion being Michael Moore films. In fact, the film played out EXACTLY like every Michael Moore film, even down to the inflections during her voice-over commentary... weird. Ms. Baron anchored the film around another female character just like herself... you know, another non-brewer pushing a gimmicky alcoholic beverage (not exactly a craft brewer or a craft beer). The movie let us in on the struggles of poor Rhonda Kallman, who we got to see leave her husband and crying children at home while she went out to bars with glow sticks and flirted with men at bars while pimping her light beer with an energy boost (recently reformulated to have 69 mgs of caffeine... haha... get it immature male light beer drinkers? 69! here have two of these glowy things... oh man, the kids are gonna *love* this!).

Moonshot? More like Moonsh!t!
teheheckckck.
Craft beer? More like Crap beer!
Beeeiiiiieeeeiiiiieeeeiiiieeeeshh Pleeee.

I should mention that Sam Calagione also got some serious face time in the movie. Not only did Sam give the film some actual craft brewing street cred, he also doubles as eye candy for all the ladies in the audience. Sam is a serious talent and is a great (even if controversial in the brewing circle) ambassador for the craft beer movement in the United States. He also happens to be in the out clause of my marriage agreement, along with Rob Thomas and that chotchy guy from Maroon 5, as people my wife could leave me for without my protest. TwoPints probably gushed about him in her post, so he'll only get a small paragraph here. Don't feel bad for me about the out clause thing... I'm allowed to leave her for the smell of fresh corn tortillas bathing in hot oil, melted cheese, or bacon.

Does it kind of feel like I'm getting off topic? Yeah, the movie felt like that too. Where was I? Yes, the struggling "little guy" theme. The sympathy for the lady failing with her caffeinated light beer was just a setup for Ms. Baron's hackneyed Michael Moore-like hob-nobbing with "The Man" and semi-guerrilla-style interviews. My favorite, and when I say favorite I mean Satan will have a new face in my nightmares, was David Rehr, president of the National Beer Wholesalers Association. He came off looking so bad in this film I'm sure he is waking up wishing that he had been selected for a Sasha Baron Cohen movie instead of an Anat Baron movie.

A central theme in the film and live event that followed was the struggle of marketing vs product quality. This struggle is certainly not unique to the beer brewing business. Ms. Baron's movie ironically suffered from the same problem. There were no more than 20 people in the Cinemark with me, all of whom showed up within 5 minutes of the start time (uh oh). However, this was plenty of time to see Ms. Baron botch a simple thank you when her cue card man fell asleep, call him out on camera, and then compare herself to President Obama (nice one). This all hardly qualifies the showing as an "event." Maybe Ms. Baron underestimated the fanaticism of the craft beer drinkers in America. Maybe she should have asked herself WWMMD? (What Would Michael Moore Do?)

How do you get people to see a preachy documentary about a niche topic? You take it to the streets. You go to local Universities, screen it, and have a panel discussion after each showing. After you have created enough buzz, then you release the film to theaters. Take it from someone who has seen a lot of Michael Moore films. Take it from someone who has gone out to see a live Michael Moore screening. Take it from someone who disagrees with about 90% of everything Michael Moore says.

Overall, I think Beer Wars is an important film. Will I buy the DVD? Probably. Despite its flaws, it is a semi-compelling film that tells a story (albeit in a limited fashion) that needs to be told. The film itself will get people talking. I think Michael Moore would toast a Mike's Hard Lemonade to that.

Why The Craft Brewing Industry is to be Cherished and Celebrated

Have a picture of that represents why you love the craft beer? Send it to sirron at theferm dot org