This is NOT intended to be a "best sports bar" or "J.R.'s Sports Bar Picks", but rather a generic discussion of what makes a great Sports Bar, using examples of specific places I like with balanced criticism of what I don't like about each.

First of all, the Sports Bar is the perfect marriage of two of life's greatest rewards. For the average sports fan, we basically work and toil all day, be it at our jobs, raising our kids, volunteering in our neighborhoods, mentoring students, etc. With the one goal, that at the end of the day, we can sit back, have a cold one, and watch some sort of entertaining sporting event on TV. Which one can do just about any day of the year, except the day before and after the major league all star game. In which, WNBA is your only option, and let's face it, that's about 2 years from folding. Christmas Day is a bit light for me, too. I mean after the presents and before dinner, what am I supposed to do? Nevermind, different subject for a different blog. But Thanksgiving has it right, IMO.



So what makes a great Sports Bar? Several factors. In rough order of preference for me, a good sports bar needs:

1) High technology TV's and a lot of them
2) Management that analyzes the sports watching needs of the customers
3) Staff that is plentiful enough to easily provide food and drink to the patrons
4) Knowledgeable clientele
5) Lots of tables and seating
6) Location







For each, we delve further:
1) High technology TV's and a lot of them

Nothing kills sports watching quicker than not having TV's that I can see from any place in the joint. A place opened near me recently titled "All Sports Bar". I venture in there, and every TV is 40" or less and none are lower than 15' in the air. I was squinting and shrugging, how am I supposed to watch the game? Within' months it changed to "Baja Bar", abandoning the sports theme and going with the night club theme.

2) Management that analyzes the sports watching needs of the customers

Nothing is more frustrating than going to a bar to see a game, noticing that the game of choice is not on, and having management kind of shrug their shoulders and say that they can't change it. Two examples, I recall Mr. Smokeypants and I (maybe Sirron was there) wandered into a wing establishment in which the waitresses were wearing a lot of orange. We thought they might have the Longhorns/Red Raiders hoops game. After not finding it, we simply asked if it might be put on. Our waitress didn't seem very interested in helping us, so after some consternation, we made a call to another wing joint (Let's just say the wings were "Wild") and they said "OF COURSE" we have the Longhorns game on, we're in Houston, right? Cha-ching. Just last weekend I wandered into a bar in Austin (which will be discussed later) that rhymes with Cluckers. We simply requested the Texas Tech/Oklahoma State game. Initially blown off (manager told us all games currently on were requested, they'd change it as soon as one ended), we did get the game. But in Austin TX, the management should have cut that random Pac 10 game that nobody was really watching and given us the most interesting Big XII South game of the day. Instead, we got to watch OU cackle at A&M until it ended.

3) Staff that is plentiful enough to easily provide food and drink to the patrons

The best sports bars I've been to have a very attentive staff, my cup is never empty, food orders and delivered fast and accurately, and I'm not having to navigate my way to the bar for lack of service. Deal killer any other way.

4) Knowledgeable clientele

Let's face it, we want to go to a Sports Bar where we feel like we're watching the game(s) with friends. It's frustrating to be at a so called sports bar, but find that nobody is "really" watching the game, people are asking why ER isn't on one of the TV's (wow, that dated me), a big play happens and nobody really reacts, etc. The best sports bars are ones in which you walk in, and there are lots of people like you, very interested in the game(s), knowledgeable, may or may not be cheering for the team you are, but in tune with the game at hand.

5) Lots of tables and seating

You can have all of the above, but for me to enjoy a game in full, I need a place to sit, or at least put my beer down. I've seen some very good bars that were all standing, or the seats were in the corner and it really took away. You need to have tables and seats, they need to have TV's in full view, and waitstaff attending them. Period.

6) Location

You could have the best sports bar in the world, but if it's in Washington DC SE (no offense), I'm not going. A corollary of this is that, the bar is best very near your residence. I acknowledge that some of the best sports bars in Houston, are, well, in Houston. Last night I was looking to find a place to watch the Colorado/Okie State game, and the folks I was looking with decided that the best bars were downtown, for a weeknight it wasn't worth the drive, and that we'd just do better watching at home. If there was a place right around the corner, we would have been there.

All that being said, here are some of my favorite (or frequented despite flaw) sports bars, and how they rate on a scale of 1-5 for each category. Each bar I've been to (occasions cited)

1) Home Plate Bar and Grill, 1800 Texas Ave, Houston, TX
My usual stop before Astros game (mini-season ticket holder)

One of two major bars right outside the gates at Minute Maid Park. According to Google, it's literally 400 feet away from home plate (that's just a football field plus end zones, with the white part). This is my preferred place to the other one, more abundant A/C, more intimate feeling, etc. But without further ado, how it ranks:

1 - (4) Good number of TV's and one projection. Whenever I'm there, I'm seeing the game
2 - (5) Always have the best games on, admittedly I only go during MLB when MLB is prominant
3 - (3) Average service, sometimes slow, other times you can't get a bartenders attention
4 - (5) Fans there are in tune with the games on. Nobody is there to watch ER
5 - (3) Some tables, popular times you can't find a seat, but most times you can
6 - (4) Strong location in terms of Minute Maid Park, weaker for being downtown

2) Pluckers Wing Bar 2222 Rio Grande Austin, Texas
Frequent stop before Longhorn games, went there last week after Baylor game

Used to be a hole in the wall, now a full-fledged sports bar.

1 - (4) Good number of TV's in the right spots. Missing a feature TV
2 - (4) Willing to switch games, but not having Tech/OSU on last week gets a 1 pt deduct
3 - (5) Can't say my beer has ever been dry there, staff is plentiful
4 - (3) Half the crowd are Greeks looking for action, not games.
5 - (5) Tables everywhere, bar has great tables, too.
6 - (5) I used to live blocks from here, great location and now with a parking garage

3) Brittany's Sports Bar 12449 Dillingham Square, Woodbridge, VA
After our softball games, or after Potomac Cannons minor league games (now Potomac Nationals). Full disclosure, this bar sponsored my softball team for years. But I can be fair...

1 - (3) TV's are abound, when I was there not necessarily enough or flat enough.
2 - (5) NFL games are catered to the crowd, labels are on each TV as to what game will be on at what time.
3 - (5) Staff was always top notch (and we got discounts for wearing the uniform)
4 - (4) Almost a 5, but there are parts that aren't watching the game. I did see a guy "charge the screen" and scream once b/c his favorite NASCAR driver got wrecked. That's intense.
5 - (5) Tables right where you need them.
6 - (5) In a nice area, close to where I lived, etc.

4) MGM Sportsbook 3799 S. Las Vegas Blvd. Las Vegas, NV
Flew into Vegas before the 1/1/2005 Rose Bowl, watched #4 Tech beat #4 California here (Tech's #4 is in the Big XII South).

A bit of a curveball here. A sportsbook? Bear with me.

1 - (5) TV's everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It's their livelihood.
2 - (5) Every game on somewhere.
3 - (4) Drinks are free with gambling, but you might be dry for a while.
4 - (4) Would be a "5" for those with action, but there are too many others not betting who don't care.
5 - (3) Plenty of seats, but no real food options and no table atmosphere.
6 - (4) Great Vegas location, but anything in Vegas is hard to get to really.

5) The Library, 501 South Mill Avenue, Suite 101, Tempe, Arizona
The days before and after the Jan. 2009 Fiesta Bowl

1 - (4) TV's everywhere, but not quite prominent enough
2 - (4) Diversity of games good, nothing outstanding
3 - (5) Staff dressed very attractively (see link above) and attentive
4 - (3) Fair bit of the crowd really isn't watching the game.
5 - (3) Not a lot of good tables with good views. Bar is good, though.
6 - (5) In the heart of the entertainment district in Tempe, near the trolley.

6) Sports Harbour 13484 Washington Blvd, Marina Del Rey, CA
The days before and after the 1/1/2005 Rose Bowl

This bar sucked. It was within walking distance from our hotel. But it sucked. My review will reflect that (just to show there can be bad). Why I kept going back night after night I don't know. We did meet an interesting bisexual "couple" of ladies.

1 - (2) A few primitive TV's around.
2 - (1) So few TV's, I can't imagine they could cover a wide variety
3 - (4) The staff was adequate, big bar to serve.
4 - (1) Rough, rough crowd. I remember I got hit on by skanks and one guy.
5 - (1) Tables were crappy.
6 - (3) Bad neighborhood, but near my hotel. Split the difference.

7) ESPNZone, Washington, DC
At first I thought that this would be the future of sports bars, but I saw flaws.

1 - (5) TV's everywhere. Including over the urinal
2 - (4) Slight bias toward ESPN events
3 - (3) Service is very average
4 - (4) Big sports crowd as one might expect, but not outstanding
5 - (3) Lots of tables, but you can't get them for any big event.
6 - (4) Great locale, but tough to get to for suburbanites.

8) Champs Sports Bar, 3956, boulevard Saint-Laurent, Montreal, QC
Was in town for a work conference, it so happened it WAS the All Star Game (2008) so I found the best reviewed sports bar in the largest city in French speaking Canada and this review ensued.

1 - (4) TV's abundant, but not as many as there could be.
2 - (4) Tough to say, only one game on, but I think they cater to the crowd.
3 - (5) Service was as good as I've ever experienced.
4 - (3) Cultural difference here, fans were more interested in who played for the Expos than the game.
5 - (4) Tables looked abundant, it was kinda dead.
6 - (4) It was in the heart of an entertainment district.

9) Nick's Place, Rockyridge and Westheimer, Houston, TX
Multiple visits.

1 - (5) TV's are as good as they come
2 - (5) Were able to watch UFC, NHL playoffs, and NBA playoffs all at the same time.
3 - (4) Service good, but they could use a few more servers.
4 - (5) Fans here are the salt of the sports earth
5 - (4) Tables everywhere they can stick them, but it's not that big of a place.
6 - (4) A bit tough to get to, but neighborhood-ey.

10) You living room, your house, anywhere USA.
Another curve ball? Maybe the best place to watch is closer than you think?

1 - (?) I haven't been to your living room, but you set the tone here.
2 - (1) At best you would have two TV's
3 - (5) Food and drink are plentiful and cheap
4 - (4) You set the company, only reason it's not a "5" is b/c you're probably alone.
5 - (5) Big, comfortable couches with great views.
6 - (5) Can't beat the location for staggering to bed.

So if I were to rank the places I've been, assuming all categories equal (which they're not), the pts would be:
27 - Brittany's, Woodbridge
27 - Nick's Place, Houston
26 - Pluckers, Austin
25 - MGM, Vegas
24 - Home Plate, Houston
24 - The Library in Tempe
24 - Champs Sports Bar, Montreal
23 - ESPN Zone, Washington, DC
20+? - Your living room
12 - Sports Harbour, MDR, CA (that place sucked)

I do believe I am still in search of the "perfect" sports bar, there is always room for improvement. But follow the basic six criteria above, and I think someone can achieve it!

I know that you are going to a better place, but selfishness is the greatest curse of the human race, and I want you back. For a brief moment I would like to step aside from the typical drinking related content provided at The Ferm and eulogize on your magnificence. Never have I wanted a Hoffy Burger and a 1560 The Beer so bad…

For the reader that has not yet heard the news, Chance McClain and his closest of creative buddies have made a prequel to the online cult hit Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog... and it may be one of the greatest, most inspired, and whimsically hilarious fanmade movie ever recorded.

I was among several hundred that gathered to see the World Premier of Horrible Turn (follow the link to watch the movie online) last night, and it was there I caught what may be my last sighting of Chance McClain and Frank Bullington, or Chank. If it was not known when this film project began, certainly it became known last night: We do not deserve Chank. Chank has an excess of creativity. The laboratory from which Chank once secretly worked at 1560 The Game is no longer equipped to support Chank's capacity.

To think Chank should continue cranking out humorous commercials, collegiate fan songs, and catchy Houston sports hero tunes is to be greedy. Chank's passion and vision is infectious, and on this 11-10-09 (or Horrible Turn Premier +1 -- HTP+1) I bid a fond farewell. Good luck. It was nice having songs about granite counter-tops stuck in my head for days at a time. May a flight of angels sing thee to thy… throne, or wherever you will land. You will be missed *sniff*

update: Entertainment Weekly gives Horrible Turn some serious props...
'Dr. Horrible' prequel is fan-made -- and fantastic

I should admit upfront that my beer expertise comes only from consumption. Oh, and Sirron is my big brother. He asked me to take a stab at an entry discussing "the role a label plays in framing a beer" for this month's Session, hosted this month by Andrew at I'll Have a Beer. Here are a couple of my beer-related thoughts on the topic:

A beer’s brand exists with or without a label, a name, or even a bottle. In fact, brands live in the minds of consumers, not producers. Producers (or corporations, more like it) spend a lot of money trying to steer brands to their advantage. This is a good thing for my parents and their guest bedroom because, if corporations didn’t, I would be unemployed.

The big secret is that producers will never have complete control of a brand’s identity. It's about the experience, other people's opinions, pop culture, beer trends, etc. While using a can instead of bottle (gasp) or featuring a saint instead of a mountain scene (Can someone tell me why so many microbrews have wildlife on their labels?) can help explain the vision to a consumer, it will never tell the whole story.

While I’m a sucker for clever packaging (Sirron’s elaborate gift wrap of a Mariah Carey CD circa Christmas 1991 may take the cake), I think the lack of it is what the homebrew brand is all about.

On this -- this seemingly average October but post-Oktoberfest hump day -- Mayor Bill White bestowed upon the city of Houston a day celebrating our beloved local brewery.

October 28, 2009 is now officially Saint Arnold Brewing Company Day.

For me this is a day not just to celebrate, but a day to recognize the achievements of Brock Wagner and crew. I readily admit that I have been critical of the Saint Arnold brewery in the past. But today is a day to reflect upon and honor Texas' oldest craft brewery, much like Americans gather on Thanksgiving to forgive the Native Americans for giving the Pilgrims dysentery and thank them for sharing Pocahontas... or when we invite semi-distant relatives into our home for a meal with three dozen side dishes and forget that they did not even bother to send a card on our birthday.

For this reason I have decided to pull out a bottle of every remaining Divine Reserve that I have in the beer cellar and try them again. There is no better day than Saint Arnold Day to reassess my relationship with the brewery's limited offerings.

The Lineup

Divine Reserve No. 1
Style: Barleywine; Cases Made: 327; Date Brewed: August 18, 2005; Date Bottled: October 17, 2005; Original Gravity: 1.099; Final Gravity: 1.027; Alcohol: 9.3% ABV
Smells nice. Pours brown and typical of a barleywine. Taste up front is sharp, with hops and alcohol attacking the palette first and then mellowing into malty and woody flavors. The beer is not too sweet, rather a complex raisin-like flavor prevails. My only complaints are that it seems thin for a barleywine and there are a ton of yum yums floating in the bottle. Overall, my first apology has now been filed.




Divine Reserve No. 3
Style: Double IPA; Cases Made: 542 Date Brewed: July 17, 2006 Date Bottled: September 21, 2006 Original Gravity: 1.082 Final Gravity: 1.010 Alcohol: 9.5% ABV Malts: Maris Otter, Wheat, Caravienne, Carapils and Dark Crystal Other Sugars: Honey, Molasses Hops: Chinook, Centennial, Ahtenum, Cascades
I am a big Belgian beer fan, and DR#2 was a bit of a disappointment as a "keeper," at least that is my excuse for not pulling back one of the sixer that I bought. To make up for it, I bought over a case of DR#3, the 2IPA. The orange color seems about right for the style. Not overly hoppy on the nose. Well balanced flavor, but something is off with this beer. I cannot pinpoint if it is the beer itself or the stiff competition in this style. If memory serves me right, age has not improved my impression of this beer.




Divine Reserve No. 4
Style: Wee Heavy; Cases Made: 823; Date Brewed: December 20, 2006; Date Bottled: February 20, 2007; Original Gravity: 1.0835; Final Gravity: 1.021; Alcohol: 9.5% ABV
I was only a wee bit excited when I found out the fourth iteration of the DR series would be a Wee Heavy. It is just not my favorite style. I cannot really remember my original evaluation of this beer, but I can tell you my current evaluation is a huge thumbs up. This beer is much more flavorful, rich even, than typical beers of this style. Smoky, dark, complex... bravo!




Oktoberfest (2007)
While digging in the back of the shelf holding my reserved Divine Reserves, I found a two year old Oktoberfest. This is one of my favorite of Saint Arnold's seasonals, so I decided to have it bat clean-up in my Saint Arnold Day lineup. Measuring in at only 6.0% ABV, this is the "light beer" tonight. It is sweet and malty with notes of caramel. Since this is one of my favorites, I wish I knew why I felt this year's offering was not as good as previous years', such as this '07 gem. I hope the variance is only in my head.

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Sincere congratulations to all the staff and volunteers at Saint Arnold Brewing Company. Keep up the good work.

Next year... parade!

The internet is a powerful and empowering thing. As a result of millions of people's contributions, each with individual passions, the web has become chock full of just about everything you ever wanted to know and ten times more stuff that you never wanted to know about. Like it or not, this is not just a product of the Google generation, even grannies are blogging these days. This is the Google era. It will be taught in grade school history books, and after their final takeover, future generations will be able to Bing and learn all about it.

My particular passion is beer. I am not saying that my greatest quality is somehow beer related or even that my talents exceed that of others who share similar passions, but discussing and partaking in its malty goodness is my escape from my regular world of Engineering or Fatherhood. It provides a medium in which I can both speak intelligently and provide content that others actually read and find interesting (I could only fulfill one of those terms in an Engineering blog... maybe).

Since the launch of TheFerm.org earlier this year, I have been able to successfully work my way into the Kolache Factory World Kolache Eating Championships, laid down an educational rap about the science of condensation, dared to claim AWOL status from the Saint Arnold Army, and even bring in thousands of hits with a list of the top fifteen beer bars in Houston, TX. Such success can go to one's head, so when I got the idea one day that the Houston Press might be interested in someone covering beer related topics around town I thought it was one of my greatest ideas since TheFerm's Anything Mock Draft. The Chronicle already had its guy in Ronnie Crocker, why could I not apply myself and become the RC for the HP?

After an unsolicited tweet and an email went unanswered, I resigned to the fact that I am an Engineer, and that ain't a bad day job. But then... this. Within days of my life-changing fantasy and subsequent giving up on my dreams, the Houston Press foodie blog "Eating Our Words" posted a job opening. Certainly it was meant to be. Maybe this section of the Houston Press just never noticed my previous inquiries. The instructions were simple enough:

To apply, send a cover letter, resume and examples of your writing to [email address removed]

Cover Letter. Check.
Examples of Writing. Check.
Resume. Hmm.

Assuming you do not lie on your resume, resumes do not lie. Your resume is your list of accomplishments, your curriculum vitae. I was faced with an interesting dilemma. Submit my actual resume, which shows I would be uniquely qualified to develop energy savings projects for a facility of the Houston Press' choice, or create some sort of resume showing my writing accomplishments, which I guess are either what I have left behind on the web or some gripping energy savings technical reports. My choice was to do what all of you are probably thinking as well: Skip the resume and go straight to the interview portion of the screening process.

While it may seem pompous to assume that the Houston Press would want to interview me just because I inquired about the job, I had an idea.

I will have the real life me interview my blogging alter ego. [Picture me nodding my head in that kind of blind self-congratulatory way right now.]

Below is a reproduction of the exact pretend interview I had with my blog writing alter ego.

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My Interview for "Eating Our Words"… with Myself

Day Job Greg = Norris
Writing Alter Ego = SirRon

Norris: What is your biggest regret, and why? Ha! Just kidding. This is not that kind of interview.

SirRon: Soooo... I took a look at your resume... pretty impressive, if you were looking to manage the maintenance department at the Houston Press facilities.

Norris: Thanks, I guess. I noticed that you don't have a resume. Tell me a little about your qualifications.

SirRon: I've had a few items published.

Norris: Wow. Really?

SirRon: Yes. Ever heard of the "National Written and Illustrated By" contest? I won that. Well, actually it was an honorable mention… in eighth grade. But the key word there is "National."

Norris: Oh.

SirRon: I also scooped up an English Student of the Year award that year from my junior high.

Norris: Yeah. Well. How about any writing accomplishments as an, um, adult?

SirRon: I sent a "deep thought" to Ruminate.com that got published online and distributed to their subscribers. Want to hear it? Hear it goes. "I always keep a smelly fish in my pocket in case someone ever walks up to me and says, 'I will give you a million dollars if you have a smelly fish in your pocket.' Who is the crazy one now?!"

Norris: Ok, got it. I think I understand your experience, but I'd like to ask some questions specific to this job opening. The Houston Press is looking for a foodie blogger.

SirRon: I'm a foodie... I'm a blogger... aaaannnnd I'm pretty sure there was not a question in there (good thing the Houston Press isn't looking for a reporter).

Norris: What I mean is that I understand your passion for food. I've seen all your RSS feeds of food blogs, the tweeps you follow, your Cooks Illustrated/America's Test Kitchen online subscription and TiVo season pass, and your outstanding gourmet-ish tailgates. But right there on the HP website, the appeal for a new writer states:

Are you a regular at those Houston "throw-downs" involving pork bellies and fried chickens?

SirRon: I would have to say no to that.

When a hot Houston restaurant has a special event, are you the first to sign up?

SirRon: Not exactly.

Do you go to Houston festivals and try one of everything from each booth?

SirRon: Yes!

Do you take pictures of every damn thing you put in your mouth?

SirRon: Ummmmmmm.

Norris: Focus!

Can you string together sentences in an entertaining fashion?

SirRon: Does a pig fly in the woods?

Norris: Huh?

SirRon: Anyway, I may excel in covering the minutiae of drinking topics, but I can write about food. Did you catch my "5 Reasons Why... Beaver's Ice House Changed My Life" post?

Norris: As a matter of fact I did.

SirRon: ...my coverage of the SAVOR experience in Washington D.C.?

Norris: Which was a beer festival...

SirRon: A craft beer AND food paring event, thank you very much. I covered all seven days (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) of Craft Beer Week this year.

Norris: Yeah, what was up with all that text before the beer reviews?

SirRon: Anecdotes are... eh, never mind. You don't really have something like that in your Engineering world I guess.

Norris: Back to my interview. Why writing?

SirRon: Someone around here has to be the yin to your yang. The Creative to your Project Manager. The fiction to your calculations of chilled water pump BTU. The right brain needs exercising every now and again.

Norris: What is your favorite thing about being a blog writer?

SirRon: Sharing my experiences... and the feedback.

Norris: Narcissistic much? I saw "Anonymous" doesn't think very highly of your "Top 15 Places to Get a Beer in Houston, TX" post.

SirRon: That piece was the feat of a whole lot of beer bar study. I gathered input from a lot of folks, but I forgot to get input from Anonymous before publishing.

Norris: Don't sweat it. Last question. Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball? Oops, wrong page. I mean, why do you want this job?

SirRon: Quite simply, to take my writing to the next level.

Norris: Cliché alert!

SirRon: I'm (we're? this bit is getting confusing) not ready to quit my day job, but writing for "Eating Our Words" would is the perfect convergence of all my passions: Food, drink, and writing.

Norris: SirRon, you are off the hot seat. Thank you for your time and good luck!

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Blogger's note: I have not talked to anyone, before or after, that thought the faux interview was a good idea. Ah well.

4/4/10 Update: Interested in reading about more failure? Be sure to check out Round 2 of my Houston Press misfortunes.

Last week, NBC and Anheuser-Busch made an historical announcement. For the first time in the 35-year history of SNL, the show would have a sole sponsor. The occasion would allow for Anheuser-Busch to promote it's new Bud Light Golden Wheat, while giving SNL the opportunity to bring viewers some never-before-aired clips as they celebrate their past.

To acknowledge this beer sponsored historical television event, TheFerm.org will offer its first review of a TV program, and I will provide this review in two words.

Banned List.

List>"Saturday Night Live">Delete now

I cannot really tell you much about the show, it was deleted from my TiVo unwatched.
The banned list is real.

Thank you.

It Made Me Drive Out to Washington Avenue

Houston is sprawled over some 600 square miles. I'm no suburbanite, but sometimes a trip from the Med Center to The Heights district feels like it requires a special occasion. Sure, this isn't fair to one of Houston's best hoods, but take a look at a map and see what other hot spots one passes through on that excursion (Museum district, Rice Village, Montrose, Midtown, etc.).

With the exception of spotting some of the chochy takeover of Washington Ave, I said to myself, "self, you need to get out here more often." Beaver's was worth the trip, and I'm better for making it.

The Name Is Kinda, umm, Suggestive

A potentially suggestive name does not a good restaurant make, but when a name goes from giving you something to look up on Citysearch.com to personifying the essence of the restaurant itself, then I'm fully on board.

The food, like the name, is unapologetic. It is the playground equivalent of a kid boasting, "What? Say Something!" It is the musical difference between Tenacious D and Nickleback. It is the film equivalent of Pulp Fiction as opposed to Regarding Henry. If Beaver's was a TV show, it would be Curb Your Enthusiasm and not Two and a Half Men. You get the idea.

The Drink Menu Is Not an Afterthought

Beaver's has a pretty full bar. In fact, the drink menu is probably good enough for them to function as a bar instead of a restaurant (although don't get me wrong, I'm not making any suggestions).

With self described "fantastically fun wines," "esoteric and unexpected brews," and "a signature cocktail menu of Front Porch drinks," if those walls could talk they would probably be full of pride (the building is a renovated ice house). If Beaver's had three or so more taps to go along with their already extensive bottled beer selection, I might consider coming for something other than lunch or dinner.

The Chef Tweeted Me Before My Visit

Big deal, right? Maybe a tweet wouldn't change my life if it was from a guy at Olive Garden while taking a break from cranking out breadsticks and never-ending pasta bowls, but this is Chef Jonathan Jones y'all... dude is a marquee chef (formerly working his culinary magic at Max's Wine Dive) with some serious skills!

Chef describes his food as "whimsical, culinary comedy." Do these dishes do anything for you? Fried oyster nachos, bacon ice cream, Pozole (Texas goat, lamb and Akaushi beef and hominy stewed with guajillo and ancho chiles), Spam sandwich (pulled pork, bacon, smoked grilled spam, fried egg), fried brownie balls, etc. Excited yet? For a good time, follow @PapaBeav and @beavershouston.

In Case You Are Still Wondering, The Food Is Off the Chain

Jonathan's kitchen offers numerous flavors of crack. During my visit, I tweaked off their shredded BBQ chicken sandwich, the Pit Boss Chickwich. See if you can spot the fried egg and pickle spear in the picture. We also had a buttermilk battered NY strip that was hands down the best chicken fried steak I've ever tasted. The dish, which was covered with mushroom and bacon gravy, was the only time I've ever felt like chicken fried steak didn't need ketchup. We also couldn't pass up ordering The Houston Press' selection for best crackaroni, er macaroni and cheese for 2009. Outstanding. Even what seemed to be an ordering blunder by one member of our table, The Wedge, turned out to be impressive. A salad? This bad boy came out with little wedges of bibb lettuce, bacon, a fried egg, and blue cheese dressing made with Southern Star Pine Belt Pale Ale. Nice.

Today I would like to depart from my regular role here at The Ferm of "poking a stick at The Man" or "angering Houstonians with my personal opinions" and instead dispense a little science. Today's lesson is on condensation.

Working in a mechanical engineering position in the HVAC field, I could readily pull out my trusty Psychrometric chart and start breaking down the properties of air with you guys, but that makes better party conversation than blog reading. I'm assuming that our astute readers already know that condensation is the transition of a vapor to a liquid, so we'll just skip to the good stuff. It is the driver behind the creation of your favorite distilled beverage, it is responsible for the conditioning in your home or office, and it is responsible for all those sweat rings on your coffee table.

Condensation is natural, powerful, beautiful, and even dangerous. In an attempt to deliver today's lesson on condensation in a fun and exciting way, I've chosen to make it into a little educational ditty. I find rhymes make everything more enjoyable. If I did my job right, you'll come out of this not even realizing that you learned something.

Dewed, Hold My Beer
He was hangin' at the sports bar with his crew.
His buddies sporting khaki pants and retro shoes.
His beloved dirt burglars just got shocked by BYU,
But they drown it out with another round of brews.
Rack 'em up, time to break, and grab a pool cue.
While they all start jamming to blink 182,
Dude starts dancing something that looks like kung fu
So he scoops up his beer and beelines for the loo.

"Excuse me!" I proclaim, with my ballyhoo.
"Your ice cold beer should not be wasted, yes this is true,
But the facts of condensation I must first construe.
I won't bore you with a nerd-ish book review.
Confuse you with enthalpy, wet bulb, or BTU.
But this restroom you just brought that drink into
Is filled with saturated air from a patron or two.
You see, urine is a warm and some evaporates too."

"Now look down at the top surface of your cold brew.
That surface, my friend, is now covered with dew.
I know you'll miss your beer, but please think this through.
DON'T TAKE YOUR COLD BEER INTO THE BATHROOM DUDE!!"

Thank You.

Recently Mrs. K Dub and myself celebrated our 1 year anniversary by making a weekend trip to Portland, Oregon. After my trip to Portland last year for my bachelor party (another entry all together, ask Sirron) she's always wanted to go, so off we went. We went to try some seafood, enjoy cool weather and of course check out the great beer scene. Well, the seafood was great, the weather was similar to Texas (Epic Fail) and the beer was uh-mazing, especially the brewery shown in this little picture to the left.

I modeled an itenerary after one created by Sirron for my bachelor party and it was quite strong. But on the second day we deviated from the schedule at the recommendation of a nice young lady at Cork (a bottle shop) on 1715 NW Lovejoy. After checking out the awesome beer selection I found a farmhouse ale from Portland that I've never heard of so I thought, "What the hell, I'll try it." I placed it on the counter and the young lady had a look on her face like a little kid in a candy store and told us about the brewery. She said, "Have you heard of Upright Brewery? You should totally check them out, they're brewing farmhouse style ales and are located in the basement of a really cool building called the Leftbank Building." Those were probably some of the greatest words that Mrs. K Dub and I had heard all weekend.

So from Cork (a bottle shop) we stopped at another brewpub, as it was right down the road, and the only thing I could think about was getting to Upright. I was giddy with excitement and just wanted to irresponsibly dispose of those brewpub offerings (ie. shooters baby) so that we could leave. After enjoying the sampler and finish watching the Wisconsin vs. Fresno State game we caught a cab to the brewery.

Which I have to ask, what's the deal with cab drivers? They drive about as well as I did when I was twelve and they drive everyday. What's the deal?

After arriving at the brewery we walked into the tasting area and greeted by another nice young lady in charge of pouring the samplers. She explained to us that they're regular beers on tap are numbered Four, Five, Six and Seven and that today they had two special ales on tap, a Gruit and their Four aged in barrels. Short and simple, they were all great, including the Gruit which I was very skeptical. Side note: Gruits are ales brewed with spices other than hops, I've had other Gruits and have not been impressed, but holy jeez, Upright's was awesome. Other beers available in bottle for tasting were the True Wit and Flora Rustica. After tasting we were led on a guided tour by owner and brewer Alex Ganum.

The tour included viewing the 10 Barrel (one barrel=31 gallons) brewing system, their two open fermenters and conditioning tanks that are all used to brew their tasty ales. Alex was kind enough to break out a bag of Hallertauer whole hops from the freezer for us to rub in our hands and smell, kind of like that other brewer/owner guy from the East Coast. The open fermenter were cool for me because these fermenters are stored in their own room that is kept under positive pressure relative to the surrounding room. I believe brewers do this with the pressure thing on open fermenters so that bacteria, wild yeasts and nasty things don't float their way into the fermenting ale spoiling it. Some beers call for this 'spoiling', but not all.

After the touring we spoke with a nice gentleman that was Treasurer of a local homebrew club, we spoke of great beer, good times and adventurous ideas. But alas, time was against us to go visit another establishment and another friend so unfortunately we had to depart. Before leaving we bought some merch and some beers for the trip back to Texas.

Mrs. K Dub and I have been talking about Upright ever since we got back and if you ever get a chance to visit Portland you should check out Upright Brewing, they pretty much kick ace.

DISCLAIMER: This post reflects the personal views of the author, in his individual capacity. It does not necessarily represent the views of TheFerm.org or its other resident bloggers, and is not sponsored or endorsed by them.

If Saint Arnold's Divine Reserve #8 hits the shelves and I'm not there purchase any, does it make a difference?

I am admittedly a little less dedicated to the cause than the rest of the Saint Arnold Army. And when I say less dedicated, I mean I spent my lunch hour four years ago visiting several local Specs Stores (and a few grocery stores) to get my hands on the first release of Divine Reserve, a heavily hopped barleywine. After over an hour of enthusiastic search, I drove back to work frustrated and empty handed. It seems there were loads of local beer drinkers more passionate than myself.

Breweries are known to instill a sense of community among the local population. However, the Saint Arnold Army phenomenon is staggering, awe-inspiring, and enviable. Besides having a welcoming attitude at the brewery itself, Saint Arnold actively supports local businesses and participates in countless community efforts. Hosting Saint Arnold at an event means getting two to four times the amount of attendees than you would have without them. Saint Arnold has that kind of following. Having almost no local and very little regional competition probably helps, but as Texas' Oldest Craft Brewery, they play more of the role of a pioneer than pirate.

This is why their introduction of small batch, special edition beers ordained for craft beer enthusiasts like me sounded so exciting. Saint Arnold may have been late to the small batch party, but this is *our* local brewery. Unable to get my hands on any Divine Reserve #1 in Houston, TheFerm.org's own K-Dub brought me some… from Dallas.

And my first impression? Eh…

Inevitably the beer could not live up to such heavenly expectations. However, paired against its peers, it honestly comes off as mediocre. K-Dub's own hoppy barleywine, which he brewed for me to celebrate the birth of my daughter, blows the earthly Saint Arnold product away. *Gasp* I can almost hear the Internet comments rolling in now ("You Suck!!" –anonymous). The next six releases also failed to live up to expectations, although I will admit, the brewery started to hit their stride around DR#5.

"But SirRon," you say (because you probably only know me by my online pseudonym), "you should support local businesses." To this I say "Sure!" But does the support local movement apply to all businesses, regardless of size or quality? Coffee shops, independent farmers, the old hardware store guy, chef owned restaurants... I understand the correlation and importance here. Is a brewery with statewide distribution on par with these local businesses?

I support countless craft breweries (nightly), all of which are small businesses situated in somebody's local community. I've visited Victory Brewing Company, located in the small community of Downingtown, PA a handful of times. I believe their output exceeds Saint Arnold, but they make outstanding beers. In the end, the experience is what means the most to me. Otter Creek Brewing Company is located in the Middlebury, a Vermont town of just over 8,000 residents. Now that they have distribution in Texas, I wish they were still brewing their Middleberry Ale, a tasty beer brewed with locally grown elderberries and blueberries. Proceeds from the sales benefited their town, if memory serves me right. Ever tried Austin Amber? Guess where this small five year old, distributor-less brewery is located?

On 9/10/09, the Saint Arnold Army will probably be out in force, clearing the shelves of their local groceries and liquor stores of Divine Reserve #8, a Scotch Ale inspired by a homebrewer's winning entry in the 2009 Big Batch Brew Bash. Myself, I'll probably be supporting someone else's community that night. I'm not saying I will never pick one of these up at over at my closest Specs liquor emporium if available, I just have lost that excitement I had in the days leading up to the DR#1 release. I support our local troops and their defense of Saint Arnold Nation, but I think I'll just hang one of those ribbons in my garage instead.

That gets me thinking... If a cynical blogger from an obscure drinking blog is uninterested in the Divine Reserve series, does it even cause any waves?