Making a mockery of mock since 2009.

5/10/10 12:10 PM - Round 1 is complete!
1st Round Pick Index:

1. Dr. Analytics (from Mr. Smokeypants through Leslie): The Kolache Factory
2. J.R. Ewing: Saint Arnold Brewing Company
3. Two Pints: Water
4. K Dub: SAVOR: An American Craft Beer & Food Experience
5. The Ferm of DosBeerigos.com: American Craft Beer Week
6. Mr. Smokeypants: Shenanigans
7. SirRon: Rob and Amy Cartwright

4/29/10 3:22 PM
Mock draft announcement. I really couldn't have said it better myself.

5/3/10 9:20 AM
The draft order (picked randomly) is set.

1. Mr. Smokeypants
2. J.R. Ewing (@longhorndave)
3. Two Pints (@pig1ett2000)
4. K Dub (@K_Dub_02)
5. The Ferm (@DosBeerigos)
6. Leslie (@LesNor11)
7. SirRon (@sirrong)
5/3/10 12:50 PMMr. Smokeypants is on the clock. Apparently he is considering moving back and is currently shopping the pick.

5/3/10 3:56 PM
There has been a trade! Kirby has traded his pick to Leslie for an "I'm With Coco" rubber bracelet.

5/3/10 3:57 PMLeslie is now on the clock.

5/3/10 4:17 PMDr. Analytics buys the #1 pick from Leslie for a house plant and an oven mitt. Dr. Analytics is now on the clock.

5/3/10 4:29 PM
With the 1st pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, Dr. Analytics selects... The Kolache Factory

For the unacquainted, a Kolache (pronounced ko-lah-chee) is a pastry of Czech origins with fruit or cheese fillings. A meat filled bread roll, think pigs in a blanket, is sometimes referred to as a klobasnek. At Kolache Factory, they only worry about stuffing bread with a spectacular variety of sweet and savory deliciousness, like BBQ Beef, Italian Chicken, Potato Egg and Cheese, Ranchero, Cherry, or this month’s special the Not-So-Sloppy-Joe. Whatever you are drinking, there is a kolache on the menu that will pair favorably. If you find yourself on the back end of a session, there are plenty of kolache options to get you back to 100%.

According to Analytics, many a Googler is curious to find more out about these delicious little buns. That is why I have bought my way into the top pick in the 2010 Anything Mock Draught to proudly select The Kolache Factory. My first order of business will be to get the Jalapeño Popper a permanent spot on the menu. Just sayin’.

5/3/10 4:35 PMJ.R. Ewing is now on the clock.

5/4/10 9:18 AMWelcome to Day 2 of the draught. After some unsuccessful (?) trade attempts yesterday, I'm assuming that J.R. is readying his pick.

5/4/10 2:47 PM
Since it has not been mentioned yet in this year's iteration of the Anything Mock Draught, I would like to take this opportunity credit this whole thing to Sean "The Cablinasian" Pendergast (of Jim Rome's Smack Off fame) and John "The Professor" Harris (of collegefootballnews.com fame and just general football brainiac). The two have a radio gig over at 1560AM The Game in Houston from 3-7 PM. One fateful day a little over two years ago, they started voicing their frustrations about NFL mock drafts. This discussion spurred an impromptu "draft" they dubbed the Seinfeldian Mock Draft -- a draft about nothing. The first pick was Cal pole vaulter Allison Stokke. The next... Chickipedia. By year two, the Seinfeldian Mock Draft was a full-fledged event. It was Sean and John's signature annual show.

Listen to the 2009 Seinfeldian Mock Draft Highlights - Powered by Podbean.com

While driving home from work and listening the 2nd annual draft, TwoPints turned to me and said (something like), "Why don't we do one of these on the website." The original idea for an anything draft is utterly genius, but it was the simple suggestion to copy the idea that is almost equally genius. It seems right to throw the cliché into this paragraph that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Bravo Sean and John! Cheers TwoPints!

If you find our adaptation even mildly entertaining, check out Travis Rodger’s (longtime producer of the Jim Rome show and currently of the great sports blog Travis Rodgers Now) pick in the 2010 Seinfeldian Mock Draft. Out-freaking-standing. Rack him!

Listen to the Travis Rodger's pick in the 2010 Seinfeldian Mock Draft - Powered by Podbean.com





5/4/10 10:07 PM

First of all, coincidence or "fix" that I've received the second pick two years in a row? The bribes have worked! Unable to move the second overall pick in what I consider a deep draft, I had to go with the obvious...interestingly passed over last year it was on my short list, but has really improved in the offseason. It went from an off the beaten path brewery to a downtown, custom built brewery that has ingrained itself in the fabric of Houston. Improved from 22.7K barrels to 25.7K barrels with new capacity up to 120K barrels per year.

With the 2nd pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, J.R. Ewing selects... the award winning, great tasting, Saint Arnold Brewery.

This pick rounds out my last years selections of an event to drink at, a place to drink, and hotties to do shots with. Now I have the production capacity to produce my own beverages!

5/5/10 8:30 AM
Two Pints is now on the clock.

5/5/10 1:49 PM

With the 3rd pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, Two Pints selects... Water

Water? Wait, what? This is the little pick I’ve been holding close to the vest since last year. I can’t believe my fellow Anything Mock Draughters didn’t snatch this one up. Big Mistake! Huge!

Here’s why water is the coolest and belongs in the first round of the draft:

1. It covers about 70% of the Earth’s surface, so there’s a lot of it.

2. The cool factor, which sounds better a.) I’ll have a scotch on the rocks or b.) I’ll have a scotch (no water, no rocks)

3. Water is 1 of 4 major ingredients for making beer. Homebrewers should have been all over this.

4. As any civilized drinker knows it’s best to drink water while partaking in a drinking session, at the very least (and this is more my way of doing things) drink it at the end of a drinking session so you don’t wake up with your lips stuck to your gums. (Who knows what I’m talking about?)

5. As a personal preference I’d prefer to take my vitamin B complex with a glass of water. If you have it with a bottle of beer, it just ends up burning your nose and making your eyes water. (Trust me on this one fellas, I’ve gone that route, think mouth full of wasabi…feel the burn)

6. A human’s body is made up of approximately 70 – 75% water, without it you’d be, like, Gollum or something.

7. Oh yeah and cool factor number 7… (Drum roll)… It’s totally necessary to sustain life… on any planet… at least life as we define it… so take that Universe! Water is mine now. Even our rocket scientist’s 1st round pick, St. Arnolds, needs water.

There it is. Now I know you guys are feeling about two feet tall right now, you know having passed up this kick-butt pick and all, but it is cool. That’s why ya’ll have me around. To keep you in check… and alive… Go WATER!

5/5/10 1:59 PM
K Dub is now on the clock.
5/6/10 8:49 AM
With the 4th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, K Dub selects... SAVOR: An American Craft Beer & Food Experience

I've thought long and hard about my pick and I'm confident that this may cause a rift in the Two Pints' or SirRon's board, if not, then whatever. A must attend for any food and beer lover, this annual event is held in the highest of regards by the craft beer community. Combining a couple of K Dub's favorite things, SAVOR is surely an experience that will need to be experienced following next year's Anything Mock Draft, as the 2010 session is 100% sold out.

5/6/10 9:21 AM
Dos Beerigos is now on the clock.

5/6/10 10:14 AM
With the 5th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, The Ferm from DosBeerigos.com selects... American Craft Beer Week.

Yes this week of Epic Proportions is a nation wide celebration of craft beer. Beer lovers, craft brewers, homebrewers, beer distributors, and retailers are all making special plans for the annual American Craft Beer Week taking place across the country May 17-23. The "Mother of All Beer Weeks" celebrates small and independent craft brewers and is a chance to highlight all that the U.S. loves about craft beer. In 2006, the week became the largest national effort focusing on American craft brewers and remains so today. Check out more information at http://www.americancraftbeerweek.org/.

5/6/10 4:01 PM
Mr. Smokeypants (via trade with Leslie) is now on the clock.

5/7/10 2:40 PM
With the 6th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, Mr. Smokeypants selects... Shenanigans.

Hailing from origins unknown at 155 years-old, this sneaky selection shows us that tricks aren’t just for kids. While its birth may be uncertain and obscure, earliest reports are from San Francisco and Sacramento. Possibly introduced by the Germans as peddler’s slang for “work” or “craft,” other scholars maintain the translation is from the Irish for “fox.” (Thank you www.meriam-webster.com and www.dictionary.com)

All I know is that this choice hit me like a Mack Truck, while I was traveling from Houston to Austin...ON MY BIKE!

Regardless of the annals of its germination or fermentation, this IDEA follows up on my 2009 Inaugural “The Ferm” Anything Mock Draught selections of PEOPLE (The Norris Fam), PLACE (Mos Eisley Cantina), and TIME (Happy Hour).

My personal Shenanigans are almost always a collaboration with other TheFerm.org cohorts during a public session. Shenanigans can be any high-spirited, mischievous activity or prankishness. I lean towards saltiness. Sometimes I might backward dart or triple cancer-stick. J.R. is known to climb trees. K Dub may drop it like it’s hot (pint glasses that is). SirRon has danced with a bouncer. You just never know what Shenanigans we’ll get into. When you’ve known each other as long we have, it’s fun to keep it fresh and mix it up with a good batch of Shenanigans.

Surprising a good friend into laugh with a Shenanigan is one of the few priceless joys (excluding the price of your pride) we have left in life. And if you don’t believe me, take a look...IN MY PANTS!

5/6/10 2:47 PM
SirRon is now on the clock.

5/10/10 12:05 PM
With the 7th pick in the 2nd Annual 2010 "The Ferm" Anything Mock Draught, SirRon selects... Rob and Amy Cartwright.

Rob and Amy may not be household names (yet), but they are living a dream that has crossed nearly every beer drinker’s mind. In the fall of 2004, this husband/wife team made their dream reality by opening Independence Brewing Company. My wife and I were fortunate to meet the two in Austin at the now defunct Texas Craft Brewer’s festival in 2004. They were not serving their new beers at that time, but we did discuss investment opportunities. Being timid about investments (and possibly in somewhat of a buzzed state from the festival), we filed the offer away in the “cool but not realistic” cabinet of our brains. By the 2nd year of the festival in 2005, the idea of investing became something we were now positive we wanted to dive into.

And what a great decision it was. I can tell you with certainty that I am more proud of being around during Independence Brewing’s growth than I am of the fraction of a single percentage of the operation our stock certificate represents. Rob and Amy personify the hard work on both the business planning side and the production side that small business is all about. They operate with a very limited crew and self distribute their beers. Texas law restricts sales at the brewery, and the 3-tier system established for the “protection” of consumers is monopolized to benefit the big guys. But despite regulations that do not hinder most small businesses, Independence has recently expanded to add the Houston market to their distribution territory that also includes Austin, San Antonio, and San Marcos. As an investor, Houstonian, and genuine admirer of the brewery, I am full of pride at their accomplishments to date.

It is probably worth mentioning that their beer is great. Their offerings include the following beers:

- Austin Amber (A very good amber, although my favorite iteration is during football season when it is packaged as OU Sux… Hook ‘em!).
- Bootlegger Brown (Look out Saint Arnold and Real Ale; you now have serious company in this style. Bootlegger has great chocolate malty flavor but finishes clean, which is great for the hot Texas weather).
- Independence Pale (Nicely hopped to satisfy your hop tooth – if you have one – without being too heavy).
- Freestyle Wheat (Great for tailgating during football season. Also great to introduce people to craft beer who think they don’t like beer).
- Jasperilla Old Ale (Named after their dog Jasper, this annual release gets better with every iteration. It is 9% ABV, but surprisingly smooth. Also, the shelves of your favorite beer store probably aren’t littered with a bunch of old ales. Pick a few of these up, age one, and enjoy this great brew).
- Stash IPA – NEW! (Everyone has an IPA these days, right? While a lot of craft breweries are ruining your palate with hops to satisfy the endless search of hopheads, Rob and Amy remind us that an IPA can be balanced and still delicious).
- Convict Hill Imperial Oatmeal Stout – NEW! (Three words: Imperial. Oatmeal. Stout. Maybe one more too: YUM).
- Mandarin Saison – NEW! (Independence has added their first seasonal brew. This is there summer offering… a saison with a hint of mandarin. It is in kegs only, so make whoever has it on draft your new favorite watering hole!).

These are but a few reasons why I am proud to take Rob and Amy as my first pick of the 2010 Anything Mock Draught.

5/10/10 12:10 PM
Mr. Smokeypants is now on the clock.

It's that time again, for the first time in two years, contributors to "The Ferm" and selected guests will participate in the "Anything" Mock Draught.  The traditional timing of the draft is to coincide with the NFL draft, since sports fans this time of year are inundated with 40 times, Wonderlic scores, vertical leaps, and draft day trade possibilities.  Well the same can be said for the anything mock draft, we've seen participants trade up, I guarantee you our panel of "experts" has been feverishly scouting everything for 24 months now.

A note on why there wasn't a 2011 "Anything" Mock Draught.  It was with heavy hearts that the decision was made that there was no way the spirit of the draught could be upheld in light of the NFL lockout.  So with unanimous consent, we stood arm in arm with the NFL Players Union and joined the fight for their right to buy sports cars, mansions, and go clubbing with heat without worrying about their bank accounts.

For our draft, we do our best to stay within our wheelhouse (that being the drinking universe) and to make it fun. The list of rules is small.

1. The draft consists of three rounds (format is top to bottom, top to bottom -- not snake).
2. The pick (or description) must be drinking related in some way.
3. Picks from previous drafts are off the board.

 We are not an exclusive "league." Guest drafters are encouraged. Anyone wanting a pick can leave a comment on this post, drop us an email, or tweet at us and you'll be slotted in the draft. Over the next few days we will start an open thread, which will be used for announcements and comments on the current and previous draft.

As a kickoff to this years draught, I thought it appropriate to analyze the first two years draughts now that there's been opportunity for emotion to be removed, and real value assessed.  Specifically, we're going to look at each participants ability to fill the positions of food, beer, wine, spirits, and lagniappe (what extra things do your picks bring).  Analysis will also be done on the cohesiveness of the team (how elements can be combined).

And special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky will provide a psychoanalysis of each draughter in light of what their selection reveal about them.

Please use the following references if you want to see more specifics of the previous two draughts:

2009 Inaugural Anything Mock Draught

2010 Anything Mock Draught Round 1 Open Thread

2010 Anything Mock Draught Round 2 Open Thread

2010 Anything Mock Draught Round 3 Open Thread 

So without further ado, in no particular order whatsoever:

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Draughter: Two Pints (@pig1ett2000)

Best Pick: Belgium (huge country that continues to deliver)

Worst Pick: Mini-cocktail umbrellas (all flash, no substance)

Sleeper Pick: Dallas (TV Series): Seriously good show, underrated

Food: B (Belgian Waffles, Dallas BBQ)

Beer: A (Belgian beer, Randall the Enamel Animal)

Wine: F (No real effort made here)

Spirits: C (Aforementioned umbrellas about it)

Lagniappe: B (That Sam Calagione is handsome)

Cohesiveness: B, Two Pints can elope with Sam to Belgium, spend a little time in the water while drinking either the Belgian beer or cocktails with umbrellas (4 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: Two Pints has an affinity for travel and appreciates good quality beer and good quality TV.  A girl who knows what she wants and how to get it.  Like how to get Sam.  By drafting him.

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Draughter: Mr. Smokeypants

Best Pick: Happy Hour (solid staple of all things The Ferm)

Worst Pick: Shenanigans (just hasn't been enough lately)

Sleeper Pick: Foam in the Dome (the memories just get better and better for that place) 

Food: B (Norris family can cook, happy hour has good food also)

Beer: B (Foam in the Dome, Mos Eisley Cantina, and Happy Hour)

Wine: D (Weak here, but you can get at Happy Hour)

Spirits: A (He drafted Whiskey, well done)

Lagniappe: B (Mos Eisley Cantina excels here)

Cohesiveness: A, Mr. Smokeypants stops by Mos Eisley Cantina at Happy Hour for some whiskey before heading to the Dome for some Foam (meeting the Norris Family there) after which, there will be shenanigans (6 for 6)

Dr. Drew Says: Mr. Smokeypants clearly likes to live life on the wild side, by acquiring Mos Eisley Cantina, drinking whiskey, and inducing Shenanigans.  Luckily he has the Norris family to keep him straight (or find him at the end of the day to make sure he gets home).

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Draughter: K Dub (@K_Dub_02)

Best Pick: Belgo-American Style Beers (Outstanding quality and performance)

Worst Pick: Burping (It kinda just happens, no need to draught)

Sleeper Pick: SAVOR (Completely underrated event)

Food: B (SAVOR carries the day here)

Beer: A (Beers, a Brewing Company, Yeast, and Burping)

Wine: F (Again, not much effort for this category)

Spirits: B (Michael Jackson really bumps it up here)

Lagniappe: C (Another bump from MJ with his character, but the rest of the picks lack spice)

Cohesiveness: B, K Dub heads to Savor for some Belgo-American Style Beers as well as some from Upright Brewing Company, where yeast is prevalent among the products (4 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: This man knows his good beer and he knows that yeast is the foundation.  A connoisseur of what he likes, having read the works of Michael Jackson, attended SAVOR etc.  The burping keeps him real.

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Draughter: Leslie (@LesNor11)

 

Best Pick: Tailgating (Everyone at The Ferm had their eye on this)

Worst Pick: Lone Star Puzzle Caps (kinda blah performance)

Sleeper Pick: Gary Vaynerchuk (solid pick to dominate the wine category)

Food: B (Tailgating food is some of the best on earth)

Beer: B (Lone Star beer and tailgating, again solid)

Wine: A (Grabbed Gary Vaynerchuk to be strong in this category)

Spirits: C (Some spirits at tailgating, but that's about it)

Lagniappe: B (The puzzle caps are a good booster here)

Cohesiveness: B, Leslie heads to a tailgate where they watch Gary Vaynerchuk and pops her Lone Star long necks for the puzzles (3 for 3, Leslie passed her picks on the second draft).

Dr. Drew Says: Leslie's affinity to take Gary Vaynerchuk first speaks a lot to her oenophiliatic tendency while her love of the puzzle caps shows her playful, fun side.  Seems like she'd be a great guest at any party, particularly tailgates.

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Draughter: J.R. Ewing (@longhorndave)

Best Pick: Oktoberfest (Worldwide popular event that was sure to be snapped up quickly)

Worst Pick: Body Shots (those girls in the photo left when the booze ran out)

Sleeper Pick: Tedeschi Vineyards (the real estate alone is worth this pick)

Food: C (Some brats at Oktoberfest is about it)

Beer: A (Got a brewery, the Fox, and Oktoberfest)

Wine: A (Drafted a winery, the only taken)

Spirits: B (Body shots addresses this category, but could be stronger)

Lagniappe: A (Body shot girls and the Fox add value here)

Cohesiveness: C, Two factions of a team, either Ewing goes to Maui to visit Tedeschi Vineyards with the Body Shot girls during Oktober or hangs out with Hank Hill in his Alley drinking St. Arnold with the Fox (3 of 6).

Dr. Drew Says: Ewing can't decide which direction he wants to go, either hang out with younger girls doing shots, or older guys drinking beer (in the Fox's case, very very fast).  He's still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Draughter: SirRon (@sirrong)

Best Pick: Rob and Amy Cartwright (Delivering on quality and quantity)

Worst Pick: B Vitamins (a reach with a #2 pick)

Sleeper Pick: Food Pairings (huge upside, this niche is growing)

Food: A (Food pairings and a Kitchen Stadium = home run)

Beer: A (Got the Cartwrights, More Beer, and Charlie Papazian, another winning combo).

Wine: F (Like many other participants, no real effort here)

Spirits: C (Drinking game included as well as B Vitamins)

Lagniappe: B (Kitchen Stadium carries this, as does some creativity of picks)

Cohesiveness: B, SirRon uses equipment from MoreBeer and Charlie Papazian's tips to brew some beer with Rob and Amy that pairs well with food.  By the end of the day, B Vitamins prevent a hangover from the affair (5 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: SirRon really likes brewing and food, as his picks reflect.  Seems like he's the kind of guy everyone wants to know, you'll eat well and drink well and not have a hangover!

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Draughter: Other (DosBeerigos, Alexander, Crawford and Dr. Analytics)

Best Pick: American Craft Beer Week (huge event that continues to perform)

Worst Pick: Nick Nolte's Mug Shot (performance is waning)

Sleeper Pick: Meritage (big upside on the California wine front)

Food: A (Taco Bell and Kolache Factory.  Enough Said)

Beer: A (ACBW and a Brewing Company, another big score)

Wine: A (Meritage a solid performer here)

Spirits: C (Maybe Nick Nolte had some before that mug shot)

Lagniappe: C (The mugshot adds here, but overall blah)

Cohesiveness: B, During ACBW, surely some Cigar City is drank, with a late night trip to Taco Bell, and Kolache's in the morning (4 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: These picks seem to be all over the place, probably because four people contributed.  But it comes together nicely to represent what Americans love...beer, fast food, and Kolaches.

I must confess that I have been leading a secret life for the last year and it is time to come clean. I have been obsessively studying your every move. I know what you search, what you read, and how long you spend doing it. I think I understand why Google calls it Analytics.

The line between obsessive-compulsive and genius is thin. But while this post won’t be in that team picture, I believe I have studied just enough to be helpful to the general Google public. Each day, several hundred million queries are made through Google. Approximately 0.000005% (plus or minus 0.000001%) of these Googlers find their way to our little space on the Interwebs (which is TheFerm.org, in case you are accidentally found yourself here while searching for information on Google Analytics).

Mmmmm... Analytics

For example, if you were to enter a phase containing “best”, “beer”, “Houston”, and “bars” in Google, you will most likely see a link to our Top 15 Places to Get a Beer in Houston, TX post. Unless you really are into West Alabama Ice House, you will most likely find the post informative, start following TheFerm on Twitter, sign up for our RSS feed, and/or comment about my glaring omission of Anvil Bar & Refuge from the list.

But what of the rest of the directionless Googlers? Knowing how our readers find us has a huge bearing on our sales and marketing inner blogger’s ego. Google Analytics provides us with a peek inside the minds of our readers by recording what keywords people use to find us. Analytics also records the average time on site and pages per visit, giving us a pretty good indicator of customer satisfaction (e.g. a visit less than 10 seconds means you are most likely not happy with the results of your Google search... or you are a killer speed-reader).

This post represents our dedication to customer satisfaction at The Ferm. The objective: To help those who came to the site looking for a particular piece of information and left without an answer. You may have shown up here by accident, but make yourself comfortable, perhaps sit on our couch, we are here to help.

---

We get A LOT of kolache traffic. I wouldn’t be surprised if we got more kolache traffic than any other drinking blog on the entire Internet. With this honor, comes a great responsibility to provide relevant content for the kolache craving masses. Here are a few searches, paired with (hopefully) a satisfactory response:

• Are real kolaches made with potatoes?
  No, a “kolache” is actually a pastry of Czech origins made with specific bread dough that has fruits and/or cheeses in the center. A klobasnek is the savory cousin to the kolache that is typically filled with meat, cheese, etc. I’m not kolache expert, though I am a kolache eating professional, at least I'm in the top 7 of professionals, even though the contest actually involved klobasneks, so maybe I’m a klobasnek expert, and I think a potato-filled “kolache” would most likely fit in the klobasnek category.
  

• Does fruit kolaches have cream cheese in them
  Yes they does, or they could, as long as there is also fruit in them, because otherwise they wouldn’t be fruit kolaches.

• Kolache Factory dough recipe + video
  I have to draw the line somewhere. You not only want the recipe but ALSO a video of how to make the dough!? Look Sheldon J. Plankton, I’ve been told to keep the recipe completely secret. However, I’d hate for you to leave unsatisfied, so direct your future questions toward Andrew Eller. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to sign away their secrets via Internet request.

• Ugly Kolache
  It’s hard to tell exactly what you wanted here, but it’s not very nice to call any kolache ugly. I have documented some kolaches “acting” ugly in the wild. Hopefully the photo to the right will help satisfy your fetish.

• What kind of cheese goes in a kolache
  I’m going to suggest cottage cheese or cream cheese.

I rapped about condensation once, but apparently my post wasn’t informative enough for these folks:

• Fun condensation lesson
  I think it is a fair assumption that this Googler was a grade school science teacher. Here is a suggestion. Just take my rap and make the following simple changes to make it more “classroom friendly”:
  
  - Replace “the sports bar” to “the Barnes and Noble.”
  - Replace the whole line “His beloved dirt burglars just got shocked by BYU” to the much more kid friendly “His friends are all at a table reading about the zoo.” Just a side note, you probably don’t want to use “dirt burglar” in your classroom, because not all your kids will be able to get in The University of Texas or Texas A&M, and then the University of Oklahoma is an acceptable alternative (plus, they can major in fried bologna). Also, if your kids look up "dirt burglar" in urbandictionary.com, they won't find the definition to be a funny name to call a "sooner," but something much more derogatory (seriously, what is wrong with people).
  - The next line, “But they drown it out with another round of brews” no longer makes sense in a educational setting, so go with “All that learning makes them thirsty, time for more juice!”
  - And since this edited version is set in a B&N and not a bar, “Rack 'em up, time to break, and grab a pool cue/ While they all start jamming to blink 182” won’t work. Instead go with “Spider monkeys and alpacas, lions and a moose/koalas, elephants, snakes and birds, haha mother goose.” Don’t forget to replace the remaining five “beer” and “brew” references to “juice.”
  
  See... easy, and your kids will learn something too. Disguising a condensation lesson in a really white rap is like putting cheese on broccoli: they’ll enjoy eating their vegetables. Grades up, drugs down. If you swim after lunch, you are bound to drizzown. School is cool, yo.

• Dude hold my beer graph
  Only if I can post it, sir.

• Heineken is too alcoholly
  Heineken is 5% ABV. For comparison, Bud Light is 4.2% ABV. I find Heineken approachable for the average beer drinker, but if you are looking for something even more approachable-er, try Real Ale Brewing Company’s Fireman’s #4. It is 5.1% ABV, but it doesn't taste as "alcoholly," which is actually probably that intentional skunky flavor Heineken has and not alcohol you are tasting.

• Hoffy burger song
  The lyrics may not be online, but you can transcribe them from this YouTube video.
  

All the other burgers are made with mutilated monkey meat and little dirty birdie feet.

• How much does a houston press reporter make
  I wish I knew.
  

• How to get hired by houston chronicle?
  It’s not as hard as you think. Basically you have to know someone or have a family member that is an employee.

• You can't just call shenanigans on innocent people, that's how wars are started
  I totally agree, Officer Barbrady, no monkeyshines. Nothing to see here, move along.

• Divine reserve 9 gross
  Divine Reserve 9 is in fact, *not* gross. (This *fact* may be why this user couldn’t find much help through Google.) Brock, you have to believe me. I have never said that DR9 was gross. DR9 is intoxicatingly delicious… It's. Not. Gross. I cannot help this person.

• Beer hold my pee
  Seriously? Ummm... next!

• Measurement pitcher of beer
  Too small... I’m looking at you, Hooters. (no I’m not looking at your hooters, and they aren’t small, they are like – the right size or... whatever)

• 1560 beer
  I tried! I agree, it was a great idea.
  

Last one.

• Is pig cloning still going on
  That is why we keep an Aggie on staff. From what I understand, the answer is yes. However, it turns out if you put the girl and the boy ones in the same room, they make new pigs much more reliably though.

Thank you for stopping by Googlers… until next time!

This April marks the one year anniversary of TheFerm.org. When we opened the proverbial doors a year ago, we began with the bar set so low that failure was not an option. At our core, we are a drinking related blog. However, if you are looking for savvy wine reviews (then you probably won't ever find your way to this post) you'll probably need a subscription to some premium content site. If you want expert beer reviews, go to Beer Advocate or Rate Beer. (Seriously people, 95% of all beer blogs are just regurgitated versions of what already exists in one of these awesome online resources. And if you were offended by the previous statement, then you are probably one of the 5%. Look, I subscribe and read beer bloggers that give reviews; I just don't write beer reviews… much. OK, enough parenthetical text.)

We are who we are, and I am who we be… or something. While I am but one of the motley crew of professionals interloping in the online writing world, if there was one thing I'd like improve in Year Two (no, not avoiding the occasional and inadvertent ticking off of Cathy Matusow), it would be writing some shorter posts. "Tasting Flight" is my first attempt at this resolution.

The idea behind the posts will be to present a few random notes about things I've seen, read, or tasted recently. I'll keep it semi-brief and just make a few comments before presenting you with links to other people's work. Think of it as a scratch and sniff version of stuff on my brain at the moment.

1. Beer Taxes
   Taxes on beer have been a hot topic over the past year in several states. On the national scene, Charlie Papazian and the Brewers Association have been supporting H.R. 4278, which would half the excise tax for small brewers from $7.00 to $3.50 per barrel for the first 60K barrels and from $18.00 to $16.00 on barrel 60,001 to 2,000,000. More recently, I've been reading about states also scrounging for more things to tax to cover budget deficits. While cigarettes and gasoline are easy, but already heavily taxed items, fat taxes are picking up momentum with lawmakers. A recent proposal in the state of Washington to add a huge tax on mass-market beers is getting a lot of attention. Is taxing Bud-Miller-Coors beers (~$0.43 more per 6-pack) the magic bullet for states scrambling for cash? Does it surprise you that it is Democrats, who win elections by representing the little guy, are the party behind the beer tax?
   
   
2. The Wine Purse
   Let's face it, box wine will never be fashionable because it has the word "box" in it. But a wine purse… this could catch on. If that spigot pops off for travel, this thing would be great for sporting events! Especially filled with bourbon.
   
   
3. "Home" Brewing
   Ronald Walcher and wife Jackie Jenkins are small brewery owners in Arlington, WA who have run into a small problem lately: They are too popular. Skookum Brewery, which the two run out of their home on a small 10 barrel system, opens their tasting room Friday from 3:00 PM – 7:00 PM and Saturday from 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM. Their neighbors (at least 47 of them) have asked the County for help to force Skookum to move its tasting room because of the traffic it brings to the neighborhood. But if you guys are picturing a neighborhood getting slammed by hundreds of beer drinkers, think again. This is a farm town. Neighbor please! Cheers Skookum.
   
   
4. Hot, Hot, Hot!
   I've read about two universities planning breweries in the last few weeks. Where was this idea when I was in school? In March, the LSU chancellor announced the intentions to open a microbrewery on campus. Appalachian State University has also given the go-ahead to faculty to start a microbrewery. According to the article, The University of California at Davis and the University of Denver are also leading this trend of educational breweries. My only suggestion for the App State brewery is that they somehow incorporate their promotional song in the tasting area. Hot.
   
   
   
   
5. 140 Character Review – Real Ale Devil's Backbone
   (because I drink and have thoughts on beer, but I'd rather write about App State's promotional video)
   Real Ale Devil's Backbone. 1st time in bottles this yr. Belgian tripel w/ in-house candy sugar. 8.1%ABV. Fruity&Strong. Love it. #craftbeer
   
   
6. Dr. Analytics, Web M.D. – "centennial hops odor pee cat"
   (helping the lost Googlers who mistakenly land on our site)
   I'm going to assume this Googler was drinking a Stone Ruination IPA with his friend and this conversation happened:
   Dude 1 – Wow! The hops in this beer coat your entire throat. It practically ruins your taste buds. Says here it is loaded with centennial hops.
   Dude 2 - *cough* This is going to take me a while to drink.
   Lady Friend – Greg Koch is like soooo dreamy.
   Dude 2 – This beer smells like cat pee. Didn't a Golden Girl or Designing Woman pass away today? I might have to pour some or all of this out for my homegirl.
   Dude 1 – Cat pee!? Are you high? And how do you know what cat pee smells like anyway?
   Dude 2 – Dude. Cat pee city up in this.
   Dude 1 – I'm Googling Centennial hops from my Andriod phone right now.
   Dude 2 – And… what is taking so long
   Dude 1 – I found this great blog called The Ferm. Who wants kolaches?
   Lady Friend – Me!
   aaaaannnnnd scene…
   
   For what it is worth, in my experience cat pee is an aroma I've seen in a few white wine reviews (and it is a good thing, not a bad thing). I suppose some citrusy hops, such as centennial, may have the essence of feline urine, but I wouldn't know… mostly because I'm not a litter box connoisseur.
   
   
7. BONUS TASTE: A Horrible Turn
   Some of you may have read my homage to the amazing online musical Horrible Turn, which is a prequel to Joss Whedon's Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog that starred Neil Patrick Harris. Chance McLain's movie was recently nominated for a Streamy Award (the Academy Awards for web television) and Chance wrote a great post recapping the whole experience. I highly recommend you check it out.
   

OK Stop. Before you guys say anything, I just want to remind you that Rome was *not* built in a day. Maybe next Tasting Flight post will be shorter.